The Offend-O-Bot 3000 Strikes Again

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(An old man walks into the lobby.)

Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

Customer: “Everyone I can.”

Me: “…”

(The customer pulls out a cigar, lights it, then ashes it on the counter.)

Me: “You can’t smoke a cigar in here.”

Customer: “That’s what she said.”

Me: “…”

Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Sunny Side Up

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(A woman returns to our car wash with a scowl on her face, 15 minutes after leaving. Note that she drives a black Beetle and it’s been 80 degrees with sunny skies for the past week.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back!”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like to speak with your owner please.”

Me: “He’s having a conference call right now. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, my car is still dirty.”

Me: “Oh, did the mud not wash off the back?”

Customer: “There was no mud. The egg didn’t wash off the roof of my car.”

Me: “Um, someone egged you car? How long has the egg been there?”

Customer: “A week or so, but thats not the point. It didn’t wash off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked into your paint. It’s never going to wash off.”

Customer: “What?! It’s just a f***ing egg! My car is not a g**d*** frying pan! It was some friends playing a joke… just wash it off!”

Me: “Ma’am, the egg is baked on. You have to get it repainted. Whoever egged your car is no friend of yours.”

(The customer suddenly gets very quiet and glares at me.)

Customer: *whispers* “… Who have you been talking to?”

(The customer points her finger at my face and begins to slowly back out the door. She then slowly sits in her car and drives off… without breaking her stare.)

Oh Sweet Irony, How Thou Dost Tease Me

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(I am a booth girl at a car wash: I tell customers about our products, mark their choice, and give them a ticket. There is a giant 4′ by 2′ sign on my booth that lists everything in detail.)

Me: “Hi, can I suggest our Premier package today?”

Customer: “How much does it cost?”

Me: *motions towards board* “$16.95.”

Customer: “What comes with it?”

Me: *motions to board again, listing options*

Customer: “What’s the difference between that and the number 2?”

Me: *motions third time, lists options*

Customer: “What about he number 2 and number 1? Does number 3 come with the clean car guarantee? Is there an oversize charge for my Denali?”

(ALL of this is listed in huge letters right in front of her face. She finally makes a decision.)

Customer: “I’ll take the number 3, but I don’t want any wax.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll mark your window to let them know to skip the wax.”

Customer: “I sure hope they read!”

Me: *ultimate facepalm*