Giving Off Very Bad Smoke Signals

| Boston, MA, USA | Friendly | April 18, 2016

(My family and I have just flown in to Boston and are about to pick up a rental car. I am waiting outside in the lot while everyone else is inside. It’s worth noting I’m overweight. This guy walks up to me out of nowhere.)

Stranger: “Hey, do you have a light for a smoke?”

(Before I get a chance to say no, he says the following:)

Stranger: “Oh, wait, never mind. You’re too fat to smoke.”

Can’t Handle A Car But Can Handle A Conversation

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Right | March 22, 2016

(I am an apparently able-bodied person who suffers from an invisible disability which renders me medically unable to operate a motor vehicle. The following conversation takes place today at my job.)

Customer: “How does this car handle?”

Me: “Couldn’t say, sir. I don’t drive.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t drive?”

Me: “Just that, sir. I’ve never driven an automobile. Consequently, I’m unable to tell you how that car handles. Sorry.”

Customer: “Well, then, what the h*** are you working here for? You sure picked a stupid place to get a job!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but disabled people have to earn a living, too. Will there be anything else?”

Customer: *embarrassed, blushing and refusing to make eye contact* “Uh, um, ahhhh. I, uh, I didn’t know.”

Me: *flat rattlesnake eyes and coldly monotone voice* “No, sir. You didn’t. Good day.”

(The word ‘slink’ is so seldom used these days and even more seldom seen in action…)

My Advice Is Reliable

| MA, USA | Right | March 9, 2016

(Customers often call before their reservations to find out what models of car are available.)

Customer: “Hello, this is [Name]. I have a rental this afternoon.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I see your reservation right here.”

Customer: “What kind of car do you have for me?”

Me: “It looks like I have a [midsize, foreign-made car] for you today.”

Customer: “Is that a reliable car? I have to drive all the way to [Location two hours away].”

Me: “…Reliable? Yes, it’s reliable, ma’am.”

Customer: “But it won’t break down?”

(I reassured the customer that our cars are regularly maintained in general and that I had not had any complaints about the car I’m putting her in, which was true, but I really didn’t know what she was expecting me to say…)

Tagged As A Fool

| NY, USA | Working | November 11, 2015

(My boss is a real stickler for us wearing our name tags for our shifts and actually wrote me up when I forgot it one day. So, on April Fool’s Day, I swiped one of his extra name tags and wore that all day.)

Me: *at the end of my eight-hour shift* “Um, here’s your name tag back.”

Manager: “Wow! You were wearing mine? All day? How funny; I saw you about 12 times and never even noticed!”

(Not only did he not notice, but all my other coworkers and customers didn’t mention it once. Guess the joke was on me.)

The Mother Of All Lies

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Right | November 10, 2015

(I work for a rental company and overhear one of our managers informing a woman in her 40s that to add her mother as a driver it’ll cost an extra $10 a day unless it’s her spouse.)

Woman: “I don’t want to pay an extra $10! I want to add my wife onto the add drivers area, then.”

Manager: “Uh, what?”

Woman: “What? Isn’t gay marriage legal in Indiana?!”

Manager: “Yes, gay marriage is legal. However, you just told me that she was your mother.”

Woman: “No! She is my gay lover and we have been married for two years!”

(Awkward silence.)

Manager: “I would not be able to do that since you have just blatantly lied.”

(The woman stormed out.)

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