(We draw names for a Secret Santa gift exchange at work. Two coworkers have been good friends for many years, predating their employment at our car dealership. They used to be housemates, hang out all the time, get their families together, have regular poker nights, take vacations together, etc. One of the best friends opens his present from [Coworker #1]. It is a bottle of his favorite Scotch. He is thrilled, and his best friend is intensely jealous. A few gifts later, it is the other friend’s turn to open his gift. He receives… a bottle of the same Scotch.)

Best Friend #1: ‘How did you know exactly what to get me?’

Coworker #1: “I asked [Best Friend #2].”

Best Friend #2: *to [Coworker #2]* “And how did you know what to get me?”

Coworker #2: “I asked [Best Friend #1].”

Best Friend #2: “So, we both knew the other was getting what we wanted, but not that we were getting the same thing?”

Coworker #2: “Apparently!”

(We all knew they’d probably end up drinking them together, anyway.)

(I work as a service writer at a car dealership. I always check and edit the stories the mechanics write, in terms of how they addressed customer concerns or performed work, to fix typos and provide clarification as needed for the customer. One of my mechanics does solid work, but he moved frequently between countries with different languages when he was young and he is the first to admit that as a result, his written English is… not excellent. I have fixed some GREAT lines from him. Quotes are exactly as he wrote.)

Note: “clear cods and tests drive four miles. check engine light diet cam beak on.” *Cleared fault codes and road tested vehicle for four miles. Check Engine light did not recur.*

Note: “THE BATTERY IS GOD.” *The battery is good.*

Note: “NEED RUINING LIGHTS ASS REPLACED RUINING LIGHTS ASS” *Wiring internal to daytime running light assembly is defective. Replaced running light assembly.*

(My dad and I are the strange customers in this story. I’ve driven him to sign for, pay for, and pick up his new truck, since his old one is completely undrivable. The process goes very smoothly, a few amicable jokes passed back and forth, until the dealer slides the umpteenth form across the desk.)

Dealer: “And this one just means that if the car breaks in half, you still own both halves.”

Dad and Me: *in slightly panicked unison* “Don’t joke about that!”

Dealer: *surprised, pulls back and looks at us like we’re crazy* “Excuse me?”

Me: *while my dad pulls out his phone to show we’re not joking* “We’re only here because his current truck rusted in half.”

Me: “Welcome to [Dealership]! My name is [Name].

Customer: *looking at a grey [Vehicle]* “That [Vehicle]’s not red!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s gray. I have two in white and one in gray.”

Customer: “But it’s not red!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s gray.”

Customer: “IT’S NOT RED!”

Me: “No, sir. It is not.”

Customer: “I WANTED A RED ONE!”

(He jumps in his car and speeds off the lot.)

(Due to an inheritance, we have actual cash in hand to buy a car. We know exactly what we want and can pay for the entire thing up front. We walk into the dealership very excited. No one is in the showroom, but the offices along one side all have people in them. Despite several of them looking right at us and clearly talking about us, we stand around for half an hour waiting for someone to come help us. We finally decide to just leave in frustration. Suddenly, I have HAD IT. I turn around and walk back into the showroom, and one of the men from the offices comes right over to ask if he can help me.)

Me: “Well, you should have. We stood in here for thirty minutes waiting for someone to help us. I know you saw us because you made eye contact with me. My husband and I came in here with cash to buy a [Car] today, but you just lost the sale.”

(He begins to sputter and says that he isn’t a salesman and that they are all in a meeting.)

Me: “I don’t care what your job is; you could have come over when you saw that your store had customers and asked if we needed anything. Instead, you can explain to your boss when he gets my complaint why you sat on your butts and lost him a nice sale. Have a nice day.”