(I’m a 21-year-old transgirl living in Cape Town, and I work for a chain store as a cashier. In every aspect, I look like a typical brunette white girl, except for my voice, which is somewhat deeper and far more raspy. I can’t change it much, no matter how much I’ve tried. Because of often negative opinions on LGBT people in South Africa, I keep it to myself. I know English, Swedish, and Afrikaans.)

Me: “Hoe gaan dit met jou?”

Customer: “I don’t speak that!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am!”

Customer: “Are… are you futa?”

(“Futa” is short for “futanari,” a type of Japanese chick-with-a-d*** p*rn.)

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Customer: “Why your voice so deep, then?”

Me: “Laryngitis as a girl, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, I think you are futa. You are boy!”

(My female Xhosa coworker comes over.)

Coworker: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes! Why this boy look like a girl?”

Coworker: “Because she is a girl.”

Customer: “Humph!”

Me: “Have a great day!”

Customer: “Bye, [trans slur]. And f*** you, you [racial slur]! I’m a Christian! F*** you! God hates you!” *storms off*

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(I have just moved to a new area, and I decide to try out the local optometrist to get new contact lenses. I book the appointment, and the doctor asks me to come in with my current prescription and their respective casings. The day of the appointment, I wake up with the most horrible stomach pain, but I decide to suck it up and go to the appointment. The doctor is very cheerful and friendly. She asks if I’m currently wearing my lenses while she looks at my old prescription, and I tell her I am. A few minutes into my eye test, she sighs in wonder.)

Doctor: “I don’t understand why your previous doctor has you on such a high prescription! You should be on a -1, at most!”

(I’m quite taken aback, as my previous doctor in my hometown is one of the most acclaimed optometrists in the country, and I have been wearing -3 prescription lenses for over a year without any problems.)

Me: “That’s really weird. I’m blind as a bat without these lenses. Even when I started wearing glasses, I was at least a -2.”

Doctor: “You shouldn’t be able to read this chart at all with your eyes. I’m really not sure what’s going on here.”

Me: *pause* “You are aware I’m still wearing my lenses, right?”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

(Turns out we were having such a nice chat that she’d completely forgotten to ask me to take them out, and I was so focused on my stomach pain that I hadn’t thought to ask. We had a good laugh about it, and the rest of the test went smoothly! She’s one of the nicest doctors I’ve been to in a long time, and she gave me a good chuckle on a bad Monday morning!)

(My dog has just given birth to puppies. Two days later, when I take them and the mother to the SPCA — Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — to get checked:)

SPCA Person: “If you want us to check your dog who just had puppies, you need to supply a certificate to show she’s been neutered.”

Me: “…”

(I work for a group coupon website. As an April Fool’s joke, we post an online advert for an obviously fake perfume, with ingredients like “anger” and “crushed hopes and dreams.” On top of that, it costs R10,420, or about $861. Obviously, when they click the BUY button, it shows the price as R0. More than 2,000 people “purchase” it, but we have more than a couple of calls that go like this:)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Company]. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d just like to find out how you’re going to ship my [Fake Perfume]? It didn’t ask me for an address.”

Me: “Oh. Ma’am, that perfume isn’t real… It’s an April Fool’s joke.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. There’s a photo of the bottle on the website.”

Me: “Yes, one of our graphic designers made that.”

Customer: “Really? I thought it was a real perfume. Please cancel my order.”

Me: “But, ma’am, you didn’t actually pay for anything.”

Customer: “It’s fine. Just cancel my order, please. I thought it was real.”

Me: “…”

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Customer: “Hey there, can you help me find a book?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. Do you know the author or title?”

Customer: “Well, you see, I was at the beach and I saw this girl reading a purple book. She looked like she was really enjoying it! I want that book.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re going to have to be more specific. There are a lot of books with purple covers.”

Customer: “Can’t you search on your computer for purple books?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I’ll go to a bookstore that has better computers.”