All Right Lads… I’ve Got An Idea…

, , , , , , | Related | October 20, 2017

(I’m watching the movie “Secondhand Lions” with my brother and sister. The movie gets to a scene where Robert Duvall’s character gets into a fight with some greasers and Michael Caine’s character holds the goons at bay with a shotgun.)

Sister: *starts laughing*

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Sister: “That’s going to be you two when you’re in your seventies.”

Brother & Me: “Please, like we’d ever move to Texas.”

(We look at each other and laugh.)

Sister: “It’s really scary how in-sync you two are.”

Me: “*NSYNC?” *In Obi-wan voice* “There’s a name…”

Brother: *in the same voice* “…I haven’t heard in a long time.”

Sister: “Stop doing that! How did we get from Michael Caine to boybands anyway?”

Brother: “I don’t know, but now I want to see that movie.”

Me: “Michael Caine as the manager of a boy band, or as the lead singer?”

Brother: “Both. Both are good.”

Jesus Entitles You To Nothing

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(The thrift store I work at has a valued customers promotion. Spend twenty dollars, get a stamp. Ten stamps gets you 50% off an entire purchase. At the time of this story, I have been on the register a month. A customer comes up to the register, pulling three full shopping carts.)

Customer: “So you know, I have a full shopper’s card.”

Me: “All right. Could I see the card please?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have it with me. I left it at home. But you can trust me.” *she shows her cross necklace* “I’m a Christian.”

Me: “Ma’am, without the actual card, I can’t give you the discount. Your faith isn’t a good enough reason to give you the discount.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you trust a Christian woman?”

Me: “Ma’am, on the list of answers to the question, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I’m pretty sure ‘defraud a thrift store’ is nowhere on it. What I can do is ring up your purchases until you hit two hundred dollars, then give you the full stamp card to get the discount on the rest of the order.”

Customer: “No, I have a full card and you will honor it, because I’m a Christian.”

Me: “Ma’am, may I just say ‘Render unto [Store] what is [Store]’s, and render unto God what is God’s.’”

(At this point, the manager arrives and deals with the customer. Afterwards, the manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: “She’s tried that before, on other new cashiers. You handled that well.”

Me: “You don’t grow up in a church without learning how to deal with ‘Christians’ like that.”

Their Wishes Are Horses

, , , , | Related | August 17, 2017

(I have a very nasty horse. There hasn’t been a year I’ve owned him that he hasn’t had me in the hospital for some severe accident. The two most recent both needed surgery after nearly ripping my arm off my body, and breaking my arm so badly it turned two small wrist bones almost to dust. Most of my family wants me to sell him but my cousins love him. I’ve gone to visit them with my arm in a cast with the stabilizing rods sticking out of it.)

Female Cousin: “You know I really don’t want you to sell him, but it might be better for you if you did.”

Me: “Well, you and [Male Cousin] are the only ones who aren’t threatening to sell him behind my back. I had to move barns and not tell anyone so they wouldn’t do it while I was here.”

Male Cousin: “Meh, it’s your life, and if he ends it we’re your beneficiaries.”

Me: “And here I thought you just didn’t want me to give up my last semblance of happiness in the world.”

Female Cousin: “Nah, we couldn’t care less about the horse. We just want the money.”