That Is “Pretty” Awesome, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

(While working a temporary job at a thrift store, I am usually working in the back room, sorting donations. Every so often, I’ll be called out to clean up the floor, as I am one of the few full-time workers. I am sorting the women’s plus-size section.)

Customer: “Oh, hey, could you hand me that black skirt there, right next to the jeans?”

(I oblige and hand her the hanger.)

Customer: *looks at the size tag* “Oh, no, this is too big for me. But it looks like it would fit you.”

(I am a large guy, who sometimes indulges in cross-dressing.)

Me: “Well, thank you, ma’am. Are you sure it’s my color, though?”

(I keep sorting the rack as we talk.)

Customer: *sensing that I’m not joking* “Well, of course. I bet it’d look good with that black and white top in the next row.”

Me: “That sounds like a good mix. There’s just one problem: employees aren’t allowed to purchase items. I’m not sure why.”

Customer: “Well, maybe you can find something similar at another store.”

(The conversation goes on for a little while and when I finish, I see an eight-year-old girl by the books, trying to reach up for a toy on the shelf. As I hand it to her, she asks me this:)

Little Girl: “Mister, do you dress up like a girl?”

Me: “Yes, I do, but not when I’m at work.”

Little Girl: “I bet you’re really pretty.”

(This immediately brightens my mood until her mother steps in.)

Mother: “No, he isn’t. Boys aren’t meant to be pretty. Only girls are.”

(The little girl looks at her mother, back to me, and to the customer I was helping.)

Little Girl: “Mommy’s lying. You would be very pretty! Like a… giant princess!”

Customer & Me: *laughing*

Me: “Thanks, little girl! I’m going to put that on my business card!”

Little Girl: “Okay! Bye-bye, Princess!”

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That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome

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Couldn’t Catch The Price Match

, , , , | Right | February 12, 2018

(While cleaning up the front of the store, I come across a customer who asks me questions about a dollhouse on the floor. This particular dollhouse is one of the old-style, handmade ones and, as such, carries a pretty hefty price, even for a thrift store.)

Customer: “It’s a very nice dollhouse, and I really want to buy it. But I just don’t know. Maybe I can try [Other Thrift Store] to see if they have one cheaper.”

Me: “Well, that’s certainly an option. Though, I should warn you, [Other Thrift Store] is much smaller than ours, and there’s very little chance that it carries any of the same stock we do. Different people make different donations.”

Customer: “Well, if they have a dollhouse like it, do you have a price-match guarantee?”

Me: *raises eyebrow*

Customer: “Oh… Oh, my. I just realized how stupid that sounds. I’m used to shopping at [Big Electronic Chain Store].”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that store doesn’t carry this dollhouse, either.”

Customer: “I must have sounded like one of those extreme coupon people.”

Me: “It was an honest mistake, ma’am. Would you like me to get a box for the dollhouse?”

Customer: “Oh, no, thank you. I don’t think I’ll buy it. I’m just really embarrassed about that price-match thing.”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Counting In Massachusetts

, , , , , , , , , | Related | December 30, 2017

(My sister and I — both adults, more or less — are at our parents’ for Christmas. We’re all playing dominoes, at which my dad is truly terrible.)

Dad: “I just never have the right number! Look at this: four, four, I just need four! *he holds up his fingers as he counts* “One, two, three, four!”

Me: “Un, deux, trois, quatre!” *also holding up fingers*

Dad: “Ichi, ni, san, chi!”

Me: “Ein, zwei, drei, vier!”

Sister: *holds up fingers* “Shut. The. F***. Up.”

(Ah, family!)

All Right Lads… I’ve Got An Idea…

, , , , , , | Related | October 20, 2017

(I’m watching the movie “Secondhand Lions” with my brother and sister. The movie gets to a scene where Robert Duvall’s character gets into a fight with some greasers and Michael Caine’s character holds the goons at bay with a shotgun.)

Sister: *starts laughing*

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Sister: “That’s going to be you two when you’re in your seventies.”

Brother & Me: “Please, like we’d ever move to Texas.”

(We look at each other and laugh.)

Sister: “It’s really scary how in-sync you two are.”

Me: “*NSYNC?” *In Obi-wan voice* “There’s a name…”

Brother: *in the same voice* “…I haven’t heard in a long time.”

Sister: “Stop doing that! How did we get from Michael Caine to boybands anyway?”

Brother: “I don’t know, but now I want to see that movie.”

Me: “Michael Caine as the manager of a boy band, or as the lead singer?”

Brother: “Both. Both are good.”

Jesus Entitles You To Nothing

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2017

(The thrift store I work at has a valued customers promotion. Spend twenty dollars, get a stamp. Ten stamps gets you 50% off an entire purchase. At the time of this story, I have been on the register a month. A customer comes up to the register, pulling three full shopping carts.)

Customer: “So you know, I have a full shopper’s card.”

Me: “All right. Could I see the card please?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t have it with me. I left it at home. But you can trust me.” *she shows her cross necklace* “I’m a Christian.”

Me: “Ma’am, without the actual card, I can’t give you the discount. Your faith isn’t a good enough reason to give you the discount.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you trust a Christian woman?”

Me: “Ma’am, on the list of answers to the question, ‘What would Jesus do?’ I’m pretty sure ‘defraud a thrift store’ is nowhere on it. What I can do is ring up your purchases until you hit two hundred dollars, then give you the full stamp card to get the discount on the rest of the order.”

Customer: “No, I have a full card and you will honor it, because I’m a Christian.”

Me: “Ma’am, may I just say ‘Render unto [Store] what is [Store]’s, and render unto God what is God’s.’”

(At this point, the manager arrives and deals with the customer. Afterwards, the manager pulls me aside.)

Manager: “She’s tried that before, on other new cashiers. You handled that well.”

Me: “You don’t grow up in a church without learning how to deal with ‘Christians’ like that.”

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