(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

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(Our shop has a chocolate fountain, which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

Me: “…sorry?”

Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like, the water pipes or something?”

Me: “No, we melt our own–”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one?! Where is your manager?”

(After failing to convince them, the customer left angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

(I worked at a candy store in an area with a high population of tourists. We have a DVD constantly playing that shows them how the candy is made, obviously pre-recorded.)

Tourist Lady: “Ooh, is that the actual factory?”

Boss: “Actually, it’s a live satellite feed. They’re making that candy right now.”

Tourist Lady: “Fancy!”

(This is a DVD movie with edits and transitions, clearly playing on a Samsung DVD player. Oh, tourists, how I loathe thee.)

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Me: “We’ve got a special offer on chocolate at the moment, if you’re interested at all?”

Customer: “Chocolate?! You know what? I will have some. I hope you’re happy. I mean, honestly… why do you think I have a weight problem, let alone the rest of the world?”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t say you had to buy it…”

Customer: “Well, no, you didn’t, but I’m not going to turn down a special offer, am I?”

Me: “Would you like me to offer you a health bar instead?”

Customer: “No, I’ll take two chocolate bars.”