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Have A Bad Feeling In The Back Of My Throat About This

, , , , , | Healthy | February 1, 2020

(I am scheduled for a tonsillectomy in the afternoon. My mother gets a call in the morning.)

Nurse: “Is [My Name] all ready for her big surgery?”

Mother: “I guess so; I haven’t heard from her today.”

Nurse: “She hasn’t eaten in the past twelve hours, has she?”

Mother: “I wouldn’t know.”

Nurse: “You should know. She may not be able to have surgery if she ate; it’s too dangerous!”

Mother: “Given that she’s a twenty-seven-year-old woman, why don’t you call her mobile and ask her whether she ate?”

Nurse: *embarrassed silence*

(Most people having this surgery are children, and it’s protocol to call their parents and confirm the surgery. Why they didn’t check the age of the patient before calling my emergency contact is beyond me! It was funny at the time but also a breach of my privacy.)

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Politicians Are The Best Actors Of All

, , , , , | Friendly | December 30, 2019

My dad had a role as an extra for a TV show about the goings-on in the backrooms of parliament.

He was playing a driver for one government minister, and they were filming in and around Parliament House.

Waiting outside the main entrance, dressed the part, and in an official-looking vehicle, my dad waited for the scene to start shooting.

It turns out the delay was the current leader of the opposition coming out of parliament.  

Seeing the car my dad was in, he climbed in the back and directed my dad to take him to the hotel bar where the party members were known to stay when parliament was sitting.

The leader’s staffers and production staff for the TV show all bustled around, trying to get the leader out of the back of the car.

My dad let him know about the filming but told me that he was very tempted to take off and see how far he could get before the police tracked him down.

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F****** Awesome

, , , , , | Right | November 22, 2019

(I have just ticked over the twelve-month mark as a store manager for a nationwide video game retailer. My predecessor was quite spineless and let customers walk all over our staff, including encouraging them to break policy for refunds and the like. To help rebuild staff morale, I have given every full-time staff member one “f*** off” a year. If a customer is being difficult or belligerent, the staff member can tell the customer to f*** off and ban them from the store. I will back my team all the way to corporate if they use this, because I know they have the store’s best interest at heart. I am the first one to use this, in the last month. A man approaches my register with a new release game, marked at full price.)

Customer: “I want to do a deal with you guys. [Competitor #1] across the mall have this game for $79.” *$20 cheaper than us* “But, if you promise to sell it to me for $59, I’ll buy another two game from you that are worth $50. What do you say?”

Me: “I’m sorry, if you can find the game cheaper elsewhere then I recommend you go for it as I can’t reduce the price beyond a price match.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Okay, then. I know that [Competitor #2] is selling this game at $59. Will you beat that?”

Me: “No, because according to their website they’re selling the game at $85.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s one of those special ‘in-store only’ sales! It’s not online!”

Me: “Odd. When were you there?”

Customer: “About ten minutes ago.”

Me: “Hmm, well, I was there around half an hour ago on my break. I didn’t see that sticker. Either they did it in the last 20 minutes, or you misread the sign.”

Customer: “Listen. I am a very rich man and I shop here all the time. The owner of this store would be pissed if he knew what you were doing to me. I. Want. This. Game. For. $59. Got. It.?”

Me: “I will sell the game to you at $85 for a price match. No less.”

Customer: “I’m going to call your boss and see what he says.” *pulls out his phone*

Me: *picks up store phone before he has finished dialing* “You’re talking to the boss. F*** off.”

Customer: *shocked* “I… uh… What did you say to me?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I didn’t recognise you. Can I have your loyalty card, please?”

(The customer hands over his card and I scan it.)

Me: “Okay, thanks for that, Mr. [Customer]. As manager of this store, I inform you that you are no longer welcome on-site for displaying threatening behaviour. Now, f*** off before I call security.”

(My staff stood there with jaws open as he turned and left the store. I updated his loyalty account with details of his banning. One of my team used his “f*** off” the next week on a group of teenagers who were trying to jimmy our shelving racks. We have one staff member with one left; he reckons he’s saving his for Christmas.)

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This Excuse Does Not Work Outside Of Australia

, , , , , | Friendly | October 7, 2019

(I am going to visit a friend, driving along the motorway, and I notice a dead kangaroo with a ute stopped just beyond it. I only really notice it because the traffic has slowed down at that area due to a tow truck manoeuvring to pick up the ute. Later, at my friend’s house, her husband comes in from work and greets me.)

Husband: “How was the drive? Did you have any problems with the kangaroos?”

Me: “No, but there were quite a few dead ones up near [Area].”

Husband: “Really? [Area]? You didn’t happen to notice a white ute stopped along on the way, did you?”

Me: “Actually, yes. It looked like it had hit a kangaroo and was about to get towed. Why?”

Husband: “Two of our apprentices called in this morning saying they’d hit a kangaroo, and my boss didn’t believe them; he thought they were just trying to get a day off. He wanted me to get proof from them; you’ve just provided it!”

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Un-Fee-sably Expensive

, , , , | Working | May 23, 2019

(I have a flight to the US on this airline booked for early this year. I have been trying to reserve an exit row seat — one of the ones that costs a ludicrous amount of money to reserve — since late 2018, to no avail. After another failed attempt, I decide to call the airline. I explain the problem…)

Agent: “What’s your booking reference?”

Me: “It’s [booking reference]. That’s Z for ‘zebra,’ A for’ anaconda,’ P for ‘panther’…”

Agent: “Hold on, hold on, hold on. Your booking reference will be six letters. What are the six letters? “

Me: “They’re [booking reference], but I—“

Agent: “Okay, and can you spell those out with words for me, honey?”

Me: “That’s what I was doing, but okay.”

(I spell it out. She corrects me to the “right” words to spell out letters, because I just made them up as I went along, but I decide to ignore it; it doesn’t bother me.)

Agent: “So, it looks like you’ve booked with an external company, so there’ll be an extra $80 fee for selecting a seat for your flight.”

Me: “Oh. Okay, well, I’m not paying that on top of the fee for the seat, so I’ll wait until the airport. Thanks for your help, bye!”

(I try to hang up, but she keeps talking, rushing to get in extra words before I can hang up.)

Agent:But if you’d booked with us, first, there wouldn’t be that fee.”

Me: “Oh. Well, but I didn’t, though.”

Agent: “Yes, but if you had, you would be saving $80.”

Me: “Well, yes, but that doesn’t really help me at all, because I didn’t. Thank you again for your help. I’m going to hang up now. Goodbye.”

Agent: “Okay, but—“

(I hung up.)

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