Me: “Hey, my name is [My Name]; what can I do for you?”

Old Man: “My great-grandson was telling me about this really neat thing on his computer. I would like to buy it.”

Me: “So your nephew has this ‘thing’… what does it do?”

Old Man: “Well, he was showing me videos and we played a few puzzles. I was also able to check my lottery numbers.”

Me: “Oh, the Internet… You’re just looking to hook up the Internet in your house?”

Old Man: “Yes, I would like to buy the Internet.”

Me: “Um, well, you don’t purchase the actual Internet. It’s kinda like paying your phone bill. You pay them and they give you phone services.”

Old Man: “I know how a telephone works! Would you like to make some commission on this Internet sale or should I take my business elsewhere?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You need to call [list of providers], and they will come to hook up your Internet. It’s not a physical thing.”

Old Man: “I am writing to the Better Business Bureau and reporting this incident to your manager. I know what the internet is; Walmart has it! I’m going to take my purchase to them!”

Retail:
He Wants The Google
She Uses The Google

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver — AKA Hollywood North — that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set Worker: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

Movie Set Worker: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

Movie Set Worker: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in two-and-a-half hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there. She looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

Movie Set Worker: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

Movie Set Worker: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany.”

Movie Set Worker: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE S***. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

(She storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

(She tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director: *to Movie Set Worker* “God d***it, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

Movie Set Worker: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him two hours but it was going to cost them. On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

Customer: *hands over US Currency while trying to buy a T-Shirt*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t take US Currency. We do, however, take debit, all major credit card–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “Why the h*** can’t you take my money?! This is the U. S. OF A!”

Me: “No, sir, this is the Yukon Territory, in Canada.”

Customer: “No it’s not! This is the USA! Alaska! I’ve been driving on the Alaska Highway for hours so that makes this Alaska!”

Me: “No sir. This is the Yukon… we’re part of Canada… the Alaska Highway LEADS to Alaska and–”

Customer: *again, cutting me off* “Don’t you ever look at a map?! The Yukon is IN Alaska, and that’s part of the United States! You HAVE to take my money!”

Me: “The Yukon is part of Canada, we are NEXT to Alaska, which is part of the United States…”

(The customer gets angry, slams his item on the counter and storms out, muttering something about “stupid kids.”)

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

Read the next Terrible At Geography roundup story!

Read the 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

(As a result of the US/Canadian currency parity, a lot of customers have been angry that they have to pay the Canadian price instead of the cheaper US price.)

Customer: “Which price do I have to pay: the American or Canadian?”

Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to pay the Canadian price.”

Customer: *angrily* “Why?”

Coworker: “Quite simply, we buy from Canadian publishers with Canadian money. Also, that book was bought before the price parity; therefore, to sell at the American price would mean that we would not be making any money.”

Customer: “Well, I want you to explain to my seven-year-old daughter why she’s not getting this book for Christmas.”

Me: “…because her dad is a cheapskate?”

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

Read the next Christmas Day roundup story!

Read the Christmas Day roundup!

Customer: “What size is this rug?”

Me: *reading label* “54” x 72″.”

Customer: “So how big is that?”

Me: “In centimetres? It’s…”

Customer: “No, in inches.”

Me: “It’s 54 inches x 72 inches.”

Customer: “OK. And what colour is it?”

Me: “Lilac.”

Customer: “Right… and would it look good in my lounge?”

Me: “I don’t know… I’ve never seen your lounge.”

Customer: “No, I guess you haven’t. Do you think I have room for it?”

Me: “…”