Pray He Doesn’t Sit Behind You

, , , | Right | February 14, 2010

(An old couple approach the auditorium I am ushering.)

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, outside food and drinks are not allowed into our auditoriums. I’ll have to ask you to please dispose of these cups before you can go in.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

(She throws away one of two cups into the garbage, and proceeds to walk in with the other one.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you need to get rid of both of these drinks.”

Customer: *points to her husband who is well on his way into the auditorium* “Oh, there’s nothing in that cup. That’s just for him to spit in.”

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The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 12, 2010

Caller: “I’m trying to help my mother with a computer problem. Her Internet keeps cutting out and just stops working without warning.”

Me: “That’s unusual. Does the computer offer any error messages?”

Caller: “No, that’s what’s really weird. The computer also just dies randomly.”

Me: “The computer dies and the Internet stops. Does anything else happen?”

Caller: “She says the lights go out in this room.”

Me: “Just that room?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Does she normally turn off the lights by using a wall switch?”

Caller: “Yes, how did you know?”

Me: “Is her computer plugged into something like a power bar, that is plugged into the same outlet as the light?”

Caller: “Yes… oh. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

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Pray It’s Not Sold Out At Times Square

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2010

Customer: “Two senior tickets for [Film].”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

Me: “What website did you friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”

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The Sound Of Silence

, , | Right | February 6, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, could you please just transfer me to your business services department, please?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re closed today. They always are on Saturdays.”

Customer: “Transfer me there anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, nobody will answer the phone.”

Customer: “Transfer me there ANYWAY!”


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On Sale: Humble Pie

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2010

Me: “Hello, how are you today? I see you have picked out a lot of our sale items today.”

Customer: “Yes, I did! I think these sales are great!”

(I smile as I continue ringing in her items.)

Customer: “Um, this cereal is $1.99, not $2.99.”

Me: “It says right here that this cereal is $2.99. You must just be mistaken with another brand. It can get pretty confusing sometimes.”

Customer: “No, that cereal is $1.99! You’re wrong! I know it is; I saw it like that on the shelf!”

Me: “My apologies, the sign must be for another product. I will call someone to go check–”

Customer: “No! The sign said that this cereal is 1.99! I will go and get it myself for you, then!”

Me: “It’s all right. I can just get one of our employees to go and check that for you. There is no need–”

Customer: “I WILL SHOW YOU I AM RIGHT!”

(The customer storms away, leaving me at the speedy checkout with a line of 10 people. She soon returns looking flustered.)

Customer: “Debit, please.”

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