(Our restaurant is a busy one, with many sports teams and large families with children of all ages coming in to dine. On this day, just like any other, the noise level is pretty loud. The hostess has just sat another table down in my section.)

Me: “Hi there! I’m [My Name] and I’ll be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Customer: “Can you turn the restaurant down?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s way too loud in here. Can you tell everyone to be quiet? Like, make an announcement or something? I demand that you do this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I cannot do that. I can get you my manager if you would like to—”

Customer: *yelling* “EVERYONE SHUT UP!”

Me: “Ma’am, I will get you my manager.”

(Two minutes later:)

Manager: “Hi there. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! The waitress will not turn down the people in here! Tell her to do it or I’m leaving!”

Manager: “I’m sorry. The noise level is sometimes up because we are a sports and family restaurant and it is busy. Can I get you your meal to go?”

Customer: “Ugh!” *storms off*

(I am sitting in driving school and we are learning about reversing. Because all the shops are within walking distance of where I grew up I don’t see the need to get a car so I’m a little older than everyone in the class, but know next to nothing about driving. My instructor, however, seems to think because I’m older I should know more than my classmates.)

Instructor: “Okay, everyone, we’re going to learn about reversing. What are the colors of your reverse lights?”

(One student says red but the rest of the class can’t figure out the color of the other light. Before I can say anything the class sends out the guesses I was going to say so I stay quiet trying to think of what else it could be.)

Instructor: *turns to me* “[My Name], do you know what color the final light is?”

Me: “No idea.”

Instructor: *annoyed* “Why not?!”

Me: “Because I’m usually IN the car when it’s backing up.”

(I’m the bad employee in this situation. I work as a cashier at a home retail store, and one of the services that we offer during the summer months is a check-out till in our outdoor lumber run. Naturally, this building doesn’t get cleaned a lot, so in a few minutes of downtime, I’m wiping down the windows. A customer comes up behind me.)

Me: *seeing the customer* “Oh, hello. One moment, please.”

Customer: “Not a problem. It looks like you were on a mission there.”

(I put down my cleaning supplies, and turn to assist the customer.)

Me: “Sorry for the wait. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need to buy 30 bags of concrete.”

Me: “All right. We don’t have the codes at the register, so I’ve just got to walk down and scan it.”

Customer: “Not a problem.”

(I enter the quantity into the system, and then walk down to the concrete. Confidently, I reach out — and promptly spray window cleaner on the concrete. Looking down, I burst out laughing. I’d grabbed the cleaner instead of my scanner.)

Me: “Oh. I grabbed the wrong product by accident. If you’ll just give me a moment, I’ll get you rung through.”

Customer: “Don’t worry. It looks like it’s been a long day for you. Besides, it made my day.”

(I am about 16 or 17 working at a low end department store in the lingerie department. I am also tiny, 5’0″ – 110 lbs, and look much younger than my age. A man who looks to be in his 50s or 60s comes in and starts browsing while creepily staring at me. I can feel him staring and notice that he has undone the top few buttons of his shirt. As I am trying to figure out what to do he grabs something off the rack and approaches me holding up a tiny, yellow lace negligee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you are about the same size as my wife and I was wondering if you could try this on for me so I can see how it’ll look like on my wife.”

Me: “Uh, NO!”

(Cue security escorting him out.)

(I speak German. My wife doesn’t.)

Wife: “What does ‘polter’ mean?”

Me: “It’s kind of like… ‘geräusch.’ Which is another German word… and does not help you at all!”