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Coining A Turn Of Phrase

, , | Related | July 12, 2017

(My dad drives an extended cab Chevy Silverado and Mom and I have just finished shopping at the local mall. She doesn’t drive the truck often so she’s not used to it and is taking extra care to make sure she has plenty of room navigating the parking lot. She has just completed a turn. I’m about 8 years old.)

Me: “Why did you take such a big turn?”

Mom: “To make sure I don’t bump into things. This truck doesn’t turn on a dime.”

Me: *having never heard this phrase before* ‘Yeah, it turns more on a quarter.”

(She had to stop the truck, she was laughing so hard.)

Things Are Looking Up

, , | Romantic | July 11, 2017

(It’s late at night. I’m in bed reading ‘IT’ by Stephen King on my phone. All other lights are off.)

Wife: *sitting up but still asleep* “There’s something on the ceiling.”

Me: “Aaaand just like that I’m not going to be able to sleep at all tonight.”

Everyone Is Winning

, , , , | Hopeless | July 2, 2017

(The hotel I work at is located a block away from the local arena and has both a pool and a games room. Since none of the other hotels in the area have either, we are very popular with sports teams, specifically children’s hockey teams. I’m working the front desk one night when we’ve checked in two competing hockey teams, all children around nine and ten years old who all seem to know each other. While the parents are all hanging out in the lounge, most of the kids are either in the games room or the pool. I happen to notice on the security feed that there is a group of about eight boys playing on the second floor in the hallway, passing around little rubbers balls with mini plastic hockey sticks. I head upstairs to let them know we can’t have this.)

Me: “Hey, boys, I hate to ruin your fun but I can’t have you playing up here. Other people are getting ready for bed and it might disturb them. How about you join your friends in the games room?”

(All the boys immediately stop playing and hang their heads, beginning a chorus of “I’m sorry.” One little boy comes to the front of the group.)

Boy #1: “Excuse me, ma’am? Can we play this game in the games room? Or is there another place we can go play?”

Me: “Well, I do have an empty conference room on the first floor next to where your parents are. If you promise to behave you can play in there.”

(They all thank me and follow me downstairs. There are tables in the room and they ask if they can move them aside and I say yes. I come to check on them a few minutes later and they have folded the tables up and have arranged the room into a mini hockey rink and are playing nicely so I smile and let them be. A few minutes later, a small boy of about seven or eight comes up to the front desk.)

Boy #2: “Excuse me, ma’am, are there some kids in that room?” *he points to the conference room*

Me: “Yes, there are some boys playing in there.”

Boy #2: “Okay, thanks!”

(He runs to the room and comes back a few seconds later.)

Boy #2: “Excuse me, can you please call up to room 212 and tell my mom that [Brother] and I are playing downstairs and we’ll be back at 9.30?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(He runs back happily and I call his room and talk to his mom. She laughs and thanks me but asks me to remind the boys that their curfew is 9:00. I go tell the boys and they shout a thank you and give me a big smile. Over the next hour or so several parents come by to check on the kids and ask if they are behaving themselves. I tell them the story of how I found them upstairs and how well behaved and polite they have been. Meanwhile many other kids from the games room and pool are coming by and politely asking for change for the vending machines, directions to the restrooms, extra pillows, etc. and always saying excuse me, please, and thank you. Several other kids go in to join the boys playing in the conference room. Finally the door to the conference room opens and all these little boys come parading past the front desk holding their hockey sticks and rubber balls.)

Boy #1: “Excuse me, ma’am, we just wanted to say thank you and let you know we cleaned up the room. Have a good night!”

(They each say “thank you” and “good night” as they walk by and I thank them each. I then go to the conference room to clean it and find they did in fact clean the room and put the tables and chairs back almost exactly as it had been and even picked up their candy wrappers and drinks and put them in the garbage and neatly tied up the bag. As I’m straightening up the last few details a few of the parents come up to me.)

Parent #1: “Hey, I hope they boys weren’t too much trouble. I know they were a bit noisy.”

Parent #2: “We’ll pay for any damage they caused.”

Me: “Actually, I have to say that these have been the sweetest, most well behaved bunch of kids I have ever had in here. I have been working here for years and have seen probably hundreds of teams and these are by far my favorite bunch. I have had full grown adults who gave me more trouble than they did. I really hope you all become regulars. We would love to see you back!”

Parent #1: “Well, thank you so much! They can be pretty rowdy, don’t let them fool ya, but I’m so happy to hear they’ve been good.”

Parent #3: “I am so proud of our boys right now, our MEN, I guess I should say!”

(A few days after they checked, our my manager received an email from the group leader, telling her how much the boys enjoyed their stay and how nice the lady at the front desk had been to them all. They thanked us profusely for everything, told us they had each left a glowing review of our hotel online, and promised to make this their regular spot each year that they came back. I personally look forward to having them. They made my night!)

Getting A Leg Up On The Obvious

, , , , | Working | June 30, 2017

Coworker: “Did you know [Other Coworker] has an artificial leg?!”

Me: “Yeah, I knew that.”

Coworker: “Do you know why?”

Me: “Because he was missing one?”

Unable To Pacify Both Of Them

, , , | Related | June 29, 2017

(My son is about five to six months at the time, and has never really taken to a pacifier or soothie. Now that he is teething I try a cold soothie and he somewhat enjoys it. My husband’s parents are over for a visit.)

Son: *crying and being fussy, despite not being hungry*

Father-In-Law: “Looks like he’s teething.”

Me: *goes to kitchen and pull soothie out, puts in in baby’s mouth, seems to calm him down*

(As I sit down next to my husband.)

Father-In-Law: “No! Bad!” *yes, he’s scolding the baby*

(I must have looked shocked and glanced at my husband for help.)

Father-In-Law: “What? Those will mess up his teeth; do your research, [Husband].”

(Meanwhile, when we go visit my family:)

Mom: “Honey, where is [Son]’s pacifier? Why doesn’t he have one?”

Me: “Oh, he has a couple; he just doesn’t really like them.”

Mom: “You know, I’m just trying to make things easier for you.”

(Every time she had him, or he was fussy she’d push a pacifier in his mouth, and give me a triumphant look whenever he took it or fell asleep.)

Me: “There’s​ no winning.”