(This is a conversation overheard after self-defence class at my local Y.)
Boy: “I’m never fighting you again. You fight dirty!”
Girl: “Hey, I told you to wear a cup and most attackers won’t be wearing cups in real life! You have to hit them where it hurts! [Teacher] said to make the fight realistic!”
Boy: “Well, realistically I think I won’t be able to have sex EVER AGAIN!”
(I love my stepmom very much, but she is not a good baker. Her most recent attempt — peanut butter cookies — taste more like peanut butter dog biscuits. It’s very important to her that we not waste food. At the grocery store:)
Me & My Sister: “Can we get some cookies?”
Step-Mom: “No, you still have the cookies I made! You can get cookies after those are gone.”
(My sister and I exchange glances.)
Me: *at school the next day* “Who wants free cookies?!”
(Not yet two, my younger niece has been terrorising her older sister and my cats. After her sister and the cats have sought peace in another room. I am with the younger one as she seems to be hunting for something else to torment while humming to herself.)
Me: “Are you playing or are you being a little s***?”
Toddler: *in a sing-song voice* “Little s***.”
(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)
Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”
Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”
Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”
Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”
Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys* “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”
(There is a family-run bakery near my house that my mother and I regularly go to. We walk into the bakery on a Saturday afternoon and see the owner’s oldest daughter standing at the cashier.)
My Mother: “Hello, [Owner’s Daughter]. Any fresh buns today?”
Owner’s Daughter: “Let me check.” *yelling towards the kitchen* “Mom, got a bun in the oven?”
Her Mom: *from the kitchen* “Interesting time for you to tell me sweetheart; congratulations. Now, what does Mrs. [My Mother] want?”
