Married To Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , | Romantic | February 19, 2012

(My wife and I are discussing several people we know who have left their spouses in the last few weeks. My wife is also a biologist.)

Wife: “Does it worry you that all these people are splitting up?”

Me: “Of course not; you’re my lobster.”

Wife: “Huh?”

Me: “It’s from Friends. Phoebe says that lobsters mate for life.”

Wife: “Well, I find that highly unlikely! They have the most rudimentary brains! They can’t recognize individuals! They don’t know who they’re mating with!”


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Why So Serious

, , , | Right | January 18, 2012

(I am a vet assistant helping a woman who has brought in a small, very hyper dog. I lift the dog up on the table and it starts jumping all over the place.)

Me: *jokingly* “It must be part kangaroo!”

Woman: *very pointedly* “It’s. A. Dog.”

Me: *speechless*


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All I Want For Christmas Is You

, , , , | Right | January 17, 2012

(I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Female Security Guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

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Canada: America’s Hat, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2011

(I am an American citizen living and working as a legal Canadian resident.)

Customer: “It’s too bad that you can’t leave to vote, or do they let you do that here?”

Me: “I can’t vote. I’m not a citizen.”

(The customer’s jaw drops.)

Customer: “Wow! Where are you from?”

Me: “The US.”

Customer: “Well, I never would have guessed. You look just like one of us!”

(He gestures to himself and his shopping companion.)

Me: “Uh, thanks?”


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Dating Sheldon Cooper

, , , , , | Romantic | December 12, 2011

(I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months and want to tell him how I am feeling. My boyfriend is doing a PhD in math and is extremely, painstakingly accurate about everything.)

Me: “You make me really happy. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I feel really strongly about you.”

(My boyfriend nods and smiles. I wait expectantly for a response, but he just looks confused.)

Me: “Well? Don’t you feel the same as I do?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “What?! Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I feel analogous to what I perceive to be the way you feel. Since I am not you, and therefore cannot experience your feelings directly, I cannot say that I feel the same as you do because I can never know exactly how you feel. I feel that what I understand you to be describing as your experience is something that I agree with and relate to, but it would be inaccurate to say that I ‘feel the same’.”


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