(I work near the port where the cruise ships come in, so we got a lot of tourists. I have just finished helping a customer, when a lady who has been hanging back from the counter hesitantly walks up and puts her purchase on the counter.)

Customer: *after having listened to previous transaction* “I don’t speak Canadian; do you speak American?”

Me: “I speak English.”

(The customer looked dumbfounded, hurriedly paid for her stuff, and ran out of the store.)

(A customer enters our store. She has been here before on multiple occasions to inquire about phones and plans. She doesn’t have an account with our company yet.)

Customer: “Hi, I have come back to try to purchase a phone and plan, once again.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of phone were you looking to get?”

Customer: “I don’t know. The [Brand] one that’s easy to use.”

(We sell a lot of the mini-version of a particular phone, as starter smartphones for the older customers.)

Me: “The [Starter Phone]? Sure, what did you need in your plan?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, well, do you talk a lot on your phone?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, how much do you think you talk on the phone? On average.”

Customer: “I don’t know! How would I know?! You tell me how much I talk on the phone!”

Me: “I have no way of knowing how much you talk on your phone, as I am not you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know how much I talk.”

Me: “Well, do you text or need access to internet?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

(At this point, I’m just fed up and I give her two options for plans and ask her which one she thinks would suit her needs better.)

Customer: “This is too difficult! I just wanted to come in, get a phone with a plan and that’s it. You are giving me too many options! Just forget it” *stomps out in a huff*

(I work in a grocery store that exclusively uses paper bags. Most of our competitors use plastic bags. I have just finished packing a customer’s order and wished him a goodnight.)

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “That would be our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “No plastic bag?”

Me: “No, sir.”

(He then proceeded to unpack his order and took the items loose. I really couldn’t think of a way to say that his groceries were IN a bag.)

(I work the front counter on one of the tills, with my boss fixing the ice cream machine standing a foot behind me, when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheeseburger and fries.”

Me: “That will be [price].”

(The customer hands over the money and then says in the same volume and tone of voice used to order:)

Customer: “Want to buy some drugs?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The customer then found a seat in the middle of the lobby… and spread out his wares in little pill bottles. Everyone in the store was staring at this guy, as my manager, also plainly visible to everyone in the store, was on the phone with the cops and could not stop snickering under her breath. The rest of the staff and customers waiting in line now proceeded to find comfortable spots to watch as this oblivious idiot got arrested.)

(At my school, there is a storm drain in the middle of the playground. Nobody thinks much of it until we hear someone yell.)

Kid: “HEY, THERE’S A POKÉMON CARD IN THERE!”

(Everyone rushes over and looks down. Sure enough, there is a Pokémon card lying face down at the bottom of the storm drain. Every day, for about a month, everyone tries to open the cover or stick things through to try to get the card, but to no avail. One day, everyone is called by the principal into the auditorium for a surprise assembly.)

Principal: “Today I want to talk to you about safety. I have noticed for a while now that everyone seems to be crowding around the storm drain at recess. That is very unsafe, and there is no reason why anyone should try to mess with the cover… because I got the Pokémon card.” *he pulls a worn, crumpled up Pokémon card from his back pocket* “As you can see, it’s just a Pidgey, nothing special.”

(Thinking that this was just a way to get us to stay away from the storm drain, we still looked in to check at recess. The Pokémon card was gone.)