(I’m a cashier. An older lady comes up with her grown son, looking for construction sand. The son explains that there are only two bags left in the bay where the sand is kept, and they need eight. I radio the back and the backlot staff tell me they need about ten minutes to bring more over with a forklift. Ten minutes go by, and the pallet still has not arrived. The mother checks back with me and I give the back a call. They tell me the forklift was in use and they are waiting for it. I tell the customers it will be a bit longer. Another ten minutes pass, and the mother is getting visibly annoyed and muttering under her breath.)

Mother: “I can’t believe it’s taking this long. We should have been out of here ten minutes ago. What kind of customer service is this?”

Son: “Mum, weren’t you just saying today that you want to make sure you don’t develop bad habits as you get older? This is how you end up as an angry old lady shouting at cashiers because your coupon is expired.”

(The mother shut up and waited patiently for the sand to arrive. The son flashed me a knowing smile as he paid. I get the feeling he’s worked retail before.)

(A student of mine has been giving me non-stop attitude all day and refusing to do work. After three chances, I ask her to stay for second recess so we can talk about her behaviour.)

Me: “What’s up, [Student]? Is everything okay? Why are you acting this way?”

Student: “I just stayed up too late, and I’m too tired this morning, so I don’t want to work.”

Me: “Why were you up so late?”

Student: “I was playing a video game on my DS.”

Me: “I know it’s hard to sleep sometimes, but you have to find a way to stop impacting the rest of your work. I mean, when you grow up and get a job, your boss isn’t going to accept that as an excuse. You will get fired.”

Student: “I just won’t work, then.”

Me: “Are your parents okay with that?”

Student: “They can’t tell me what to do when I move out!”

Me: “How are you going to move out if you don’t have money from a job?”

(The student stares off in silence. Obviously she didn’t think that far ahead.)

Student: “I guess I can work on my grandfather’s farm, then.”

Me: “A farm is a lot of work, you know. What if you tried that excuse on your grandfather?”

Student: *smirks* “My grandfather wouldn’t fire me.”

(Since nothing was getting through to her, I called her mother later to let her know what she said. She assured me that the student’s grandfather would definitely fire her if she tried that.)

(I have four children, from two different relationships. Two older boys are from a previous relationship, who we will call [Dad #1], and the younger girl and boy are from my husband, [Dad #2]. Though all children live with my husband and me, the father of my first two children is still very much involved with the family. This is probably why there is some confusion for the youngest child in the family when we are talking about shared physical traits.)

Me: “You guys all have my cheeks.”

Older Son: “Yeah, but I got my height from [Dad #1].”

Daughter: “And I got my eyes from [Dad #2].”

Dad #2: “Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, both [Daughter and Youngest Son] got my eye sight.”

Youngest Son: “Yeah, but my legs are [Dad #1]’s.”

(Everyone stops and looks at my youngest son.)

Me: “Uh, what?”

Youngest Son: “Yeah, I have [Dad #1]’s legs.”

Dad #2: “Buddy, how can that be, when I’m your dad?”

Youngest Son: “I’m not sure, but I have his legs. Do you think there was some stuff leftover and it passed on to me?”

(The whole family thinks this is hilarious and tries to explain to him why he doesn’t share any genes with [Dad #1]. A couple days later, both [Dad #2] and the youngest son are sitting on the couch in shorts.)

Dad #2: “Son, look at my legs and look at your legs. Whose legs do you have?”

Youngest Son: *looks down and then up* “I hate to say it, Dad, but they’re [Dad #1]’s legs.”

(Now that he’s older, he understands why this isn’t right.)

(This happens in the fourth grade. My teacher is reading from a popular series of mystery novels for children. When it comes to the part of the story where the detective is about to solve the case, the teacher stops reading.)

Teacher: “Now, can anyone here solve this mystery?”

Me: “I can!”

(I then proceed to lay out, in a very methodical manner, step-by-step, the criminal’s entire plot and the evidence that led to the detective discovering him. My teacher, and the entire class, stand there agog at my deductive reasoning. After some stunned silence, the teacher speaks.)

Teacher: “Um…yeah. That’s exactly right. How on earth did you ever figure that out?”

Me: “Well, um, I’ve already read this one.”

(It is just before Christmas. Our office is small and has a Secret Santa every year. [Coworker #2] and I have similar nerdy interests, but [Coworker #1] does not.)

Coworker #1: “I don’t know what to get [Coworker #2]. You like the same kinds of things she does. Any ideas?”

Me: “She likes Zelda and Nightmare Before Christmas and Avengers; you could try going to [Alternative Store #1] or [Alternative Store #2].”

Coworker #1: “I don’t know what any of those words you just said mean.”

Me: “Well, she also likes Harry Potter. You could get her something from that. I think her house is Ravenclaw.”

Coworker #1: “Now you’re just making words up.”