Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

, , , | Right | August 4, 2008

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt, and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f****** insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bull-s***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer:Warm!? In a cooler?! You’re a god-d*** liar! How can you be warm in there?!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

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The War Of 1812 Revisited

, , , | Right | July 25, 2008

Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

Old Man: “Thank you. Is your family doing anything for the 4th of July?”

Me: “Not really. We’re Canadian so we may hold a BBQ on July 1st, which is Canada Day.”

Old Man: “WHAT? You’re not American? I thought all foreigners had to become American when they came to this country!”

Me: “No, sir, my family all has green cards, so we’re all still Canadian citizens.”

Old Man: “I’M SICK OF ALL YOU F****** ILLEGAL ALIENS TAKING ALL OUR F****** JOBS! AN AMERICAN BOY SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB!”


This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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Thank God They Took Away His Whip

, , | Right | July 9, 2008

(This happened the day before Canadian Thanksgiving…)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes in line!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it’s a busy day today with the last minute shopping!”

Customer: “Well, you should have all the lanes open! Why isn’t that lane open?”

Me: “I assume she’s on her break at the moment…”

Customer: “You shouldn’t GET breaks when it’s busy!”

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The Land Of Maple Leafed Savages

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. My name is [My Name], how can I help you?

Customer: *distinct southern accent* “Where am I calling?”

Me: “[Company] technical support. Are you having trouble with your internet, sir?”

Customer: “I know that. I mean, what part of the world?”

Me: “I’m in Canada, sir. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Canada?! You have internet up in Canada?”

Me: “Nope… just got radio, in fact, I had to drive my dog sled into work. There was a horrible accident and I lost two dogs. It’s been a rough day.”

Customer: “Oh… well, I want technical support from a country who actually has it.” *click*

Supervisor: *monitoring calls* “You can’t be serious.”


This story is part of our Canada Day roundup!

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All’s Well That Ends Well In Roswell

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2008

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver — AKA Hollywood North — that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

Movie Set B*tch: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

Movie Set B*tch: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in two-and-a-half hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there. [Movie Set B*tch] looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

Movie Set B*tch: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

Movie Set B*tch: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany.”

Movie Set B*tch: “F*** YOU, YOU LITTLE S***. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

([Movie Set B*tch] storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

([Movie Set B*tch] tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director: *to Movie Set B*tch* “God d***it, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

Movie Set B*tch: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him two hours but it was going to cost them. On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

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