(I work in the dog and cat department of a big pet store in a local mall. Probably half of our customers come in from out of town. This happens when I answer a call for my department one day.)

Me: “Thanks for holding for [Pet Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was in the store earlier today, and I bought a kennel, but the cashier also charged me for a bag of [Puppy Food].”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry. If you could bring your receipt to the store, we’d be happy to get you a refund.”

Customer: “She also gave me the food.”

Me: “I’m sorry; did you say you have the bag of food?”

Customer: “Yeah. But I don’t want it.”

Me: “Okay. Well, if you could bring the bag of food and your receipt back to the store, we’ll get you a refund.”

Customer: “I live in [Nearby Town].”

Me: “Okay. Well, our return policy is thirty days, but if you don’t think you can make it back within that time, I can pass you on to my manager, and she can extend that window.”

Customer: “Can’t you just do the refund over the phone? I paid by debit.”

Me: “Uh… no. No, we can’t do a refund over the phone.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “For one thing, you can’t do debit transactions over the phone, period. For another, you have the product. You need to bring the product back, and your debit card, for us to do the refund.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the dog food.”

Me: “That’s fine. You need to bring it back to the store so we can do the refund.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(We mark coffee pots with the time they were put on, and rotate them so the oldest pots are served first. If a pot sits longer than 20 minutes, it’s tossed. Despite all of this, I still have this conversation every time I serve this regular.)

Regular: “I want a cup of coffee. Your freshest.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

(There are two pots that were put on at the same time, but one has slightly less because I’ve already poured a cup from it.)

Regular: “No! Not that stuff; use the other pot!”

Me: “Ma’am, they were both put on at the exact same time.”

Regular: “No, they weren’t! That one’s half-empty!”

Me: “See where I’ve written on them? They both say 12:15. I just served the customer before you a cup from this one, but they were made at the same time.”

Regular: *grumbles* “Lazy little… Just gimme my d*** coffee.”

Me: *sighs*

(Every time… eventually I decided to just shut up and serve her from the full pots. A supervisor found this out and scolded me for it. Eventually, he had to serve her, too, and apologized to me, saying I was right all along.)

(I am at the grocery store when two “stereotypical” teenage girls walk by. I catch this snippet of their conversation.)

Teenage Girl #1: “Oh, my God, like, have you ever wondered what air tastes like?”

Teenage Girl #2: “Like, I never have even thought of that. You’re, like, a total genius.”

Teenage Girl #1: “I’m, like, going to ask our science teacher this question. I bet he doesn’t know the answer, either!”

Teenage Girl #2: “Yeah, he’s going to have to totally admit you’re smart now! LOL!”

(I, too, was “laughing out loud,” but not for the same reason that they were.)

(I’m a regular customer waiting in line at a fast food place known for its poutine. The customer ahead of me is a young man who appears to be of South Asian descent, but has no accent and is clearly a student at a nearby university.)

Employee #1: *speaking very slowly* “How… can… we… help you?”

Customer: *slightly bemused* “Um, I’ll have [menu item containing bacon], please.”

Employee #1: *blinks* Oh, are you sure?

Customer: *pauses*“Yes?”

([Employee #2] comes over and tries to take over the transaction at this point, but [Employee #1] waves her off. [Employee #2] looks visibly uncomfortable at this point.)

Employee #1: “You know there is bacon in that, right?”

Customer: “Um… Yeah. It’s right there in the name.”

Employee #1: “You’re sure?”

Employee #2: *cringes* “Okay, he’s sure. Ring it through please.”

Employee #1: “I thought you people didn’t eat pork? I’m not serving that to him; I don’t want to be responsible.” *walks into the back*

Customer: “I’ll get that to go, please.”

Employee #2: *now incredibly mortified* “Oh, my God, I am so sorry. For what it’s worth, I don’t think she means to be offensive; she’s just a dip-s***. I can throw in a free drink for not punching her in the f****** mouth, though.”

(Fortunately the customer laughed it off and didn’t seem to be upset. [Employee #1] still works there a year or two later, and without fail, whoever is working with her looks thoroughly miserable.)

(There has been a major blizzard. Though the walkways in the zoo have been partially ploughed, the snow is still rough, and the benches are totally snowed under. I misjudge my stamina, and find myself gasping for breath and in a fair amount of pain when I finally struggle through the snow into the closest zoo exhibit. I collapse on the nearest chair and concentrate on breathing.)

Volunteer: “There aren’t any polar bears out today.”

Me: *gasp* “Darn!” *gasp*

Volunteer: “But you can see the seals!”

Me: *gasp* “I doubt I can—” *gasp* “—walk that far.”*gasp*.

Volunteer: “Enjoy the exhibit!”

Me: “I’ll try to.” *gasp*. “Um, ma’am?” *gasp*

Volunteer: “Yes?”

Me: “I doubt I can safely make it back to the Administration Building.” *gasp* “Could you get someone to come over—” *gasp* “—with a cart or something?” *gasp* “I’ll gladly pay for it.”

Volunteer: “We don’t have anything like that.”

Me: “Not any motorized vehicle in—” *gasp*“—the entire zoo?”

Volunteer: “Nope!”

Me: “Okay, would you do me—” *gasp* “—a favor? Please call the—” *gasp* “—Admin Building and ask them to—” *gasp* “—watch for me. If I haven’t checked in with them in—” *gasp* “—45 minutes, would they please send someone back this—” *gasp* “—way to see what happened to me?”

(Then the volunteer picked up her walkie-talkie and phoned security to send a guy in a golf cart to drive me back.)