(In my experience lifeguarding, there are some scary categories of customers. For me, the worst is when I have to deal with an angry lane swimmer. Hell hath no fury like a former competitive swimmer having their workout affected. My first job is at a small indoor pool, only 25 meters long and three lanes. Each lane is for a different swimming speed. This one day, the lanes are quite busy, with at least three people in each lane. A swimmer I have never seen before comes out of the change room with a bunch of swim gear. He stares at the pool for a while until he comes over to me.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m a fast swimmer.”

(I wait a bit to see if he’ll add more, but he doesn’t.)

Me: “Okay, well, the middle lane is the fast lane. Do you need any equipment?”

Customer: *stares at the lane* “You see, I’m a fast swimmer. I’m going to be a lot faster than everyone in that lane.”

Me: “Oh, well, the people that are swimming there are really good with working out swimming in the same lane. You see how they are travelling in circles? If you hop in, I’m sure you can figure something out with them.”

(The man doesn’t say anything but continues to stare at me. Thinking he doesn’t like that option, I add more.)

Me: “Or, one of the people in that lane has been swimming for a while; they might be done soon. You could start with a warm up and then wait and see?”

(Again, the man doesn’t say anything.)

Me: “Or, I know the ones in the slow lane don’t swim for very long. If they leave, you could use that lane, but if more people come in, you would have to accommodate them.”

(The man still stares at me awkwardly and I don’t know what else to say.)

Me: “Um, that’s all I can think of for now.”

Customer: “So, you’re not going to kick them out of the lane for me?”

Me: *taken aback* “Uh, no. They got here first and have been swimming for a while now. I don’t even know where I would put them if I got them out of that lane.”

Customer: “But I’m a fast swimmer.”

Me: “Sorry?”

(The customer just emitted an impatient sigh as he stormed past me. I then watched him go up to swimmers, and I thought he was asking them if he could join in the swim. When he stormed out, one of the customers let me know afterwards that he was actually asking when everyone was done swimming.)

(After months of planning and preparing, we’re getting ready to flip the switch on a brand new computer system. The week before the switch, the boss is paying a visit to the office to see how preparations are going.)

Me: “So, are you going to be here next week when we actually turn this on, to help us iron out any problems?”

Boss: “That’s… actually a pretty good idea. Too bad I’ve already got other plans.”

(My dog recently passed away, and I decide to get a tattoo of him on the inside of my arm. I show the artist a picture and he starts drawing the design on my arm with a marker. Just as he is getting the ink ready, I notice something is a little off.)

Me: “Excuse me. You did this upside-down.”

(The head is near my elbow and the bottom is near my wrist.)

Artist: “No, I didn’t.”

Me: “I wanted it to start at my wrist.”

Artist: “But then it would look upside-down.”

Me: “I want it there, so I can look at it, and so that I can show it off to my friends, like this.” *I flip my arm over*

Artist: “But everyone else will think it’s upside-down.”

Me: “I don’t think anyone will be able to get a good look at that part of my arm under normal circumstances.”

Artist: “Fine.” *he redraws my tattoo facing the right direction* “It’s going to look like this forever; are you sure you don’t want it the other way?”

Me: “This is good.”

Artist: “Okay. I hope you like your upside-down tattoo.”

(I volunteer for a local channel that films activities happening in the community. We are currently filming a local Italian cooking talent show. As we are working long hours, the channel provides us with free lunch. When the production assistant comes around to ask about what kind of pizza we want, I say I’m kosher and to not get a meat pizza. The pizza arrives, and as I’m in line for a slice the PA comes over and hands me a salad.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, this must be for someone else.”

PA: “You aren’t vegetarian?”

Me: “No. I’m kosher.”

PA: “Oh, I thought they were the same.”

(To not embarrass the PA, I take the salad. A little while later a camera woman approaches me.)

Camera Woman: “Hey, I heard you’re vegetarian, too!” *shows me her salad*

Me: “Oh, I’m not vegetarian; I’m kosher. There was just a mix up with the PA.”

(Again… while we’re setting up lighting:)

Director: “Hey, [My Name], when did you become vegetarian?”

(I wasn’t really mad; I just found it so funny that me being “vegetarian” was the gossip on set. We all need a break from one another; clearly we are too involved in each other’s lives.)

(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)

Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”

Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”