(I am working in customer service, taking calls from customers with questions about our product line, how to cook, etc. A woman calls to complain about our BREADED chicken fingers.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I want to complain about your chicken fingers. They’re awful; even my dog won’t eat them!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Which product did you purchase?”

(The caller gives me the product code, etc. They are breaded chicken fingers, meant to be baked or deep-fried only. The instructions are clearly on the box.)

Me: “Which method of cooking did you use?”

Caller: “I boiled them!”

Me: “Excuse me, boiled? In water?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are breaded chicken fingers; you can’t boil them. They are to be deep-fried or baked only.”

Caller: “Well, I boil everything.”

Me: “I’m sorry. You cannot boil chicken fingers, because the breading will come off and turn to mush.”

Caller: “Well, you should say that on your product boxes.”

Me: “…?”

(I’ve recently adopted a kitten, and my mom is just as in love with her as I am. Unfortunately, I live a province away, so my mom can only see the new addition through the photos I send her. Since sending pictures via text eats away at data and my phone is already low on storage, I get the bright idea to get my mom to install Snapchat on her phone. My mom is usually pretty good with technology, so I don’t think it will be an issue. Boy, was I wrong.)

Me: “Okay, now go onto the app store and type in ‘Snapchat.’ You can get it there.”

Mom: “Wait, I don’t want to pay for this! You said it was free!”

Me: “It is. Do you see a price listed?”

Mom: “No.”

Me: “So, it’s free.”

Mom: “Why is it asking if I’m sure?”

Me: “It just does that. I promise you, it’s free.”

(She does download it, so I tell her to open it.)

Mom: “It wants my location?! I don’t want it to know! That’s how hackers get you!”

Me: “Just say, ‘Don’t Allow.’ It’ll be fine.”

Mom: “Now it wants access to my phone contacts? Honey, this is a scam!”

Me: “No, it’s not, Mom. They ask for that so you can add people who are already in your contacts. Just say, ‘Don’t Allow.’ I’ll add you via username.”

(Getting her signed up takes WAY more time than it should, but she is finally good to go. I send her a picture of the kitty to test it out and she manages to open it.)

Mom: “Hey, it disappeared.”

Me: “Yeah, the picture only lasts for as long as the timer is set for.”

Mom: “What? What’s the point of sending pictures if I don’t get to keep them?”

Me: “So we can save on memory in our phone. Also, you can—”

Mom: “My phone is running so slow now! I knew I downloaded a virus!”

(My mom uninstalled Snapchat a few days later, still claiming her phone was messed up because of it. This experience taught me to be thankful for the fact I don’t work in IT, and also showed me that we should be able to tip IT workers for the amount of s*** they go through!)

(I walk into my optometrist’s office and find a new secretary. I’m curious about what happened to “Jane,” the last one, especially since “Jane” and the doctor were married! I’m the only one in the office right now so I decide to be nosey:)

Me: *after the preliminary sign in conversation* “So, Jane is no longer here?”

New Secretary: “No, she’s gone.”

Me: “I’m surprised considering her relationship with the Doctor.”

New Secretary: “It was all very awkward, Jane needed to start wearing glasses but she refused to. The doctor had to fire her because she was giving out the wrong prescriptions to people and messing up things like that.”

Me: “Ooh, that’s not good. Wait, she was married to an optometrist and worked in an optometrist’s office and refused to wear glasses?”

New Secretary: “Yup. I shouldn’t say this but I believe it was a case of vanity gone wrong. They’re getting divorced now, too.”

Me: “Gee, I wonder why?”

(My sister is always on what I call “HER time.” This means that she’ll call or talk to you when it’s convenient for her. To this day, she still doesn’t pay attention to the time difference between us and will call at a good time for her but a terrible time for me. When we were living under the same roof, she used to do this when I was napping. This results in one exchange when I am napping after an opening shift.)

Sister: “[My Name], wake up.”

Me: *groans*

Sister: “[My Name], come on. You have to show me how to do that thing with my iPod.”

Me: *mumbles something*

Sister: “[My Name]!”

Me: *whispers* “Bathing cap.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: “BATHING… CAP!”

Sister: *giggling* “Why do I need a bathing cap for my iPod?”

Me: “Well, you want to change your outfit, don’t you?”

(Thankfully, my sister decided to let me sleep after this, and I woke up later with no recollection of this happening.)

(I work at a clothing store. My supervisor and I are looking over possible new hires. All new hires have to fill out a form online and answer a few basic questions.)

Me: “I like this guy.”

Supervisor: “Look at what he put for his starting salary.” *we normally expect minimum wage, which is $11.40*

Me: “$25 an hour!”

Supervisor: “Let’s call him, anyway. Maybe he’s joking.”

(We called him. He wasn’t. He didn’t get the job.)