History (Deep) Pans Out

, , , | Right | August 27, 2010

(A Native Canadian customer comes into the store with five small children.)

Customer: “Why do the deluxe and the Hawaiian pizza cost the same? One has more toppings!”

Me: “To be honest, I’m not really sure. That’s just the way the company works, I guess.”

Customer: “Well, can I get a discount for the Hawaiian, then? It has five less toppings!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Customer: *long pause* “You’re a cruel person.”

Me: “Come again?”

Customer: “Your people come here, give diseases, kill us all, steal our land, put our children in residential schools, and now this!”

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Some Assembly And Intelligence Required

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2010

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [Home Improvement Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I just had my shed delivered this morning and you people sent me the wrong size.”

Me: “Okay, just let me pull up your order here and see what may have gone wrong.”

Customer: “I don’t know how you people could have messed this up, I clearly ordered a 6×6 shed and I just measured the one you delivered and its clearly only 4×6.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Well, the type of shed we delivered only comes in a 6×6 model. Did you happen to have any parts left over when you finished building it?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I haven’t actually built it yet. But I’ve measured the crate it comes in and it only measures 4×6.”

Me: “Sir, what does the label on the crate say?”

Customer: “It says 6×6. But I measured it and it’s only 4×6!”

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Had Too Many Muska-Beers

, , , | Right | August 26, 2010

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, do you have any books by Alexander Dumba**?”

Me: “I think you mean Alexandre Dumas?”

Customer: “Oh, is that how you say it?”

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Can’t Take The Heat Of A Melting Pot

, , , | Right | August 24, 2010

Coworker: “Hello, sir. Are you looking for something?”

Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You’re Chinese. You’re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the honest Canadians’ jobs!”

Coworker: “Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure you I was born in the province of Quebec.”

Customer: “Lies, lies, and lies!” *spots me* “Finally, a prime example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help me, please?”

Me: *in my New Brunswick accent* “Sure I can. What are you looking for?”

Customer: “What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or Russian? Get me the manager! I don’t understand how a sane person could hire these instead of a hard-working Canadian!”

Me: *grabbing the phone* “Calling Maria to front desk.”

Customer: “Maria?! That’s Latino!”

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Unlisted But Booked

, , , | Right | August 20, 2010

Me: “Thanks for calling. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Could you make my phone number unlisted?”

Me: “Well, sir, I’ve got good news. Cellphone numbers aren’t listed in the phone book.”

Caller: “No, I mean make it so that if someone calls you guys and gives you my number, you won’t give them any information.”

Me: “Oh, well, in that case, you should know that we value our customers’ privacy. We would never give out any of your personal information to anyone who calls us.”

Caller: “Even if it’s the cops?”

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