Very Quickly Put The Matter To Bed

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(We have just moved into a new house in a new city. My adult son and I both need new beds. The two of us go into a store that sells beds and are met by a salesman.)

Salesman: “Welcome to [Store]! What are you looking for today?”

Me: “I need a firm mattress and he—” *points to son* “—needs a soft one.”

Salesman: “So, we need something in the middle, then?”

Me: “I am not planning on sleeping with my son! We need two beds!”

(Very sheepishly, he showed us around the store.)

What The Duck?!

, , , | Right | December 7, 2017

Customer: “Do you carry stuffed mallard ducks here?”

Me: “No, but [Toy Store] might; they have lots of plush animals.”

Customer: “No… Not a plush. A real one.”

Me: “…no… You would need to see a taxidermist for that. There aren’t any in this mall.”

Determining Detergent Detriment

, , , , | Related | December 7, 2017

(I am away to college for the first time and have resorted to buying a cheap brand of laundry detergent. My mom comes up at the end of the semester to help me move, and her nostrils immediately flare.)

Mom: “What detergent do you use?”

Me: “[Detergent Brand #1].”

Mom: “So, that’s what smells. You have to throw it away.”

Me: “What, why?”

Mom: “I’ll buy you more of [Detergent Brand #2] and rewash all your clothes. Let’s go.”

(I’m annoyed that we’re doing this, worried that my mom thinks I can’t handle this adulting task. But d*** it, if she isn’t right! The new brand is so much better and makes my clothes smell heavenly. I continue to use this product. A year later, I go back home to visit. My mom and I are sitting on the couch when she looks at me.)

Mom: “I still smell it.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “[Detergent Brand #1].”

Me: “That’s impossible; I’ve only used the laundry detergent you told me about.”

Mom: *sniffs* “I can still smell it.”

(Years later, I’ve moved a province away and have been teaching for two years. I have new clothes, but I still use the detergent my mom turned me onto. I come home for a brief visit in the summer, when…)

Mom: “I can still smell that [Detergent Brand #1].”

(At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if these were her deathbed comments.)

Email Fail, Part 14

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(I’ve had the same conversation with the employees at this store on a few different occasions.)

Cashier: *ringing up my purchases* “Are you in our computer system at all?”

Me: “No.”

Cashier: “Would you like to be? I just need your email address and phone number.”

Me: “What does being in your computer system do?”

Cashier: “Nothing, right now. But we might add benefits in the future!”

Me: “I’m good, thanks.”


Email Fail, Part 13
Email Fail, Part 12
Email Fail, Part 11

That Is Knot Where I Was Going With That

, , , , , | Related | December 6, 2017

(My parents and I are watching TV, and my dad is absently rubbing my mom’s neck. She’s enjoying it.)

Mom: “Mmm, does it feel naughty? It feels naughty.”

Dad: “Oh, yeah.”

Me: *cringing*

Mom: “No, not naughty, KNOTTY!”

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