Jingling, It Would Seem, Is Not The Key

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2011

(I’m working in the cheese section of the deli, with my back turned to the meat slicer. Suddenly, I hear jingling. I check the floor to see if I dropped something, then continue working. The jingling resumes. I turn around and notice a customer at the meat slicer counter, jingling his keys at me. He then starts making noises one would use to call a pet.)

Me: “Sir, we have bell.”

Customer: *looks at bell*

Customer: *pauses*

Customer: *jingles keys*

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Breathless Anticipation

, , , , | Right | January 7, 2011

Customer: “I want to make a complaint about that young man that works here. He didn’t help me at all and I need to find a certain book.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Was the book misplaced? Is that why he couldn’t find it?”

Customer: “Well, no. He didn’t offer to help me at all. I walked by him three times and sighed loudly, and it’s his job to know that I need help and to help me out.”

Me: “Are you complaining because he’s supposed to assume that you need help, even when you didn’t ask him for help?”

Customer: “It’s the polite thing to do! No one here can find books, they’re all shelved funny and it’s your job to know that we need help finding them. Make him do his job properly!”

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Explanations As Clear As Water

, , , , , , | Right | December 30, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool Store]. How may I help?”

Caller: “How much would a new pump be for my pool?”

Me: “Have you got an in-ground or an above-ground?”

Caller: *long pause* “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Caller: “No! How could I?”

Me: “All right. Go into your back yard, and run at the pool. If you fall in, it’s probably an in-ground. If you bounce off, it’s an above-ground.”

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Oh, Call Him At Home, Where The Phone Charges Roam

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2010

(A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen three weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Service Provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

Customer Cell Phone: *click*

Landline: *click*

(I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

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Common Sense On The Decline(d)

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2010

Caller: “My credit card was declined and I want to know why! I’ve never been so embarrassed! I will be canceling my credit card with your f****** bank as soon as I make this last transaction!”

(After properly identifying the customer, being yelled at for having to ask security questions, and looking through the account, I find the answer.)

Me: “The purchase did not go through today because you requested a hold on your account last week when you left your credit card at a shopping mall.”

Caller: “Are you suggesting I’m stupid? I know I asked for a hold, but wouldn’t you incompetent people realize I must have my credit card if I am attempting a purchase?”

(I remain silent as the customer realizes what they have just said.)

Caller: “Oh!”

Me: “Is there anything else I can do to help you today?”

Caller: *click*

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