I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.
I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.
(We have just gotten a new puppy and we are working on potty training, as it’s a new environment and new people. Understandably, she’s been under a lot of stress and has had a few accidents in the house. But after a few accident-free days, she gets the runs in the house and as we are working on potty training, we still take her out. Today, I have been up since six am cleaning up accidents and Googling how to make her feel better ,until about seven when I try taking her out again. She squats, but nothing comes out so we just walk away.)
Random Neighbor: *on his balcony* “HEY! I SAW YOU! PICK UP YOUR POOP!”
Me: “There is literally nothing to pick up! What do you want me to do?”
Random Neighbor: “PICK IT UP!”
(I walk back with a baggie and pretend to pick up poop, since there’s nothing there.)
Random Neighbor: “See, was that so hard!”
Me: “…?”
(Seriously, I get it. We all want a clean, poop-free park. But unless you are the poop police, and you are going to come down and take pictures of said poop as evidence, maybe don’t shout at people at seven am!)
(When I was in elementary school, everyone was given a sapling for some environmental initiative. I planted my sapling in an unkempt part of my parents’ backyard. I moved out of their place several years ago, am living in a new city, and recently bought a home. The following conversation happens on the phone with my mother:)
Mom: “So, when are you coming to pick up all the stuff you left at our house?”
Me: “What stuff? I took care of the last few boxes two Christmases ago. You even helped me. What else is left?”
Mom: “Well… Aren’t you going to take your tree?”
Me: “Tree?”
Mom: “The sapling in the backyard. There’s no room for it there!”
Me: “You mean the one that I planted in third grade? I didn’t think to take it, seeing as it’s a tree.”
Mom: “It’s too crowded in the back. You need to get it out of there!”
Me: “Mom, I’m not going to dig up a tree and drive it six hours to [City]. We’ll let nature take care of the crowding.”
We have one of those things that you step on and it tells you what type of insole you need for your shoes — high-arch, pronate… whatever. But for it to work properly, you have to stand on it with your bare feet.
We had some kids wanting to try it, but upon seeing that you had to have bare feet, their mother yelled at them, “No, don’t go on that! You’ll get foot-AIDS!”
(I go to a small chiropractic office with no receptionist. As you come in, you ask the others waiting who is last in line, and then you know where your place is in line. The doctor brings the previous person out, and the next person in line goes in. Works excellent, usually. One day, I have been waiting through three or four previous patients and I am the only one left waiting. A guy comes in, looks around and sees me, a middle-aged woman, standing there.)
Guy: “I’m sure you won’t mind if I go ahead of you. I’m in a lot of pain.”
Me: “Actually, I’m in quite a bit of pain, too.”
(The guy gives me a dirty look and sits down. The doctor emerges and the guy jumps up to be next. The doctor swivels sideways to block the guy’s entrance to the office.)
Doctor: “Hello, [My Name], you’ve been waiting so patiently even though you’re in too much pain to sit down. I’m sorry to have been so long.”
(Apparently the guy tried this whenever there was a woman in front of him. Love my chiropractor.)
