(I work for a bank call centre. A customer calls in to redeem his money, and this happens at the end of the call.)
Me: “Okay, you’ll receive the funds in [amount] business days; is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “I love you.”
Me: *long pause* “Have a good day.”
(I live in Canada. We have just dropped our one-cent coin from circulation. Prices on cash transactions are now rounded up or down to the nearest five cents, while debit and credit transactions are left “as is.” This is all handled automatically by our tills, and our receipts still show the rounded cash price even on debit transactions. Shortly after the switch, we receive this through our online survey:)
Complaint: “I wish to report an act of FRAUD on the part of your restaurant. I ordered [combo], and my total was shown as $10.10. However, in reality, I was charged $10.12. This is not acceptable, as you are blatantly overcharging customers for their food. I wish to have this error corrected, and as a reward for pointing out this GRIEVOUS ERROR, I will accept my thank-you in the form of three large [sandwich] combos and a $25 gift card.”
(I don’t know if he ever got his “reward” or if anyone explained the changes to him, but he wanted over $50 in freebies over two pennies.)
(We not only rent equipment, but sell bulk material; topsoil, sand, and gravels, etc. We load customers’ vehicles, but cannot tie down loads or do maintenance on their vehicles for liability reasons. A customer has just had a large, top-heavy piece of equipment loaded into the bed of a pickup.)
Me: “Okay, you’re good to go as soon as you tie that down.”
Customer #1: “Oh, I don’t have anything to tie it with. Do you have any ropes?”
Me: “No, unfortunately, we don’t do that anymore as they were never returned. All we have is twine, and you’re welcome to that.”
Customer #1: “It’s okay; I’m not going far.”
(Later, another customer has just had half a yard of gravel loaded into a utility trailer that looks like it hasn’t been on the road since the 1950s. The threadbare tires are so flat that the trailer is practically riding on the rims.)
Me: “Ooh, that doesn’t look good. If you can pull around to our service bay, we have an air hose so you can top the tires up.”
Customer #2: “It’s okay; I’m not going far.”
(Later, yet another customer has rented a 40-foot extension ladder — 20 feet long and quite heavy. He has us put it on top of an old compact car with no roof rack. We give him some cardboard to protect what’s left of his paint.)
Me: “Okay, you’re good to go as soon as you tie it down.”
Customer #2: “I don’t have any rope. Can’t you do that?”
Me: “Unfortunately, we can’t; you have to do that.”
Customer #2: “Well, what do I do?”
Me: “Well, we can give you as much twine as you need, but you have to tie it down yourself.”
(The customer takes about half an hour and half a mile of twine to strap down a ladder that’s far longer than his car. Finally, he’s done.)
Me: “Are you sure that’s going to hold it?”
Customer #2: “Sure. Besides, I’m not going far.”
(The customer was traveling to another town about 30 kilometers away. Sadly, just about everyone who failed to understand their responsibility to safely transport goods or equipment had the same answer: “I’m not going far.” We had a running joke that there must be a vast, subterranean city beneath us, as nobody seemed to ever go “far,” and feared for those who had to share the road with these stunned weekend warriors.)
(My boyfriend is bad at giving compliments, and I’m bad at taking them. We’re both working on it. My boyfriend has blue-brown eyes that change colour depending on the lighting. I’m Asian and have the regular, brown Asian eyes.)
Boyfriend: “Your eyes are so pretty.”
Me: “Thank you. But they’re not as colourful as yours, though.”
Boyfriend: “No, they’re super colourful.”
Me: “They’re just brown.”
Boyfriend: “No, they’re also red.”
Me: “So, my eyes are bloodshot?”
Boyfriend: “NO! They’re not bloodshot. They’re just very pretty reddish-brown.”
Me: *skeptical*
Boyfriend: “And your eyes are so small.”
Me: “Are… Are you making fun of my Asian eyes?”
Boyfriend: “No! Not your eye shape! The holes in your eyes! It’s so small!”
Me: “Are you talking about my pupils?”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, they’re so small, so I can see more of the coloured part of your eyes.”
Me: “So… basically I’ve got Anime villain eyes?”
(We have a self-serve fax, with store cover sheets to use for free. When checking customers out, I always ask if they used a cover sheet, since their confirmation sheet doesn’t tell me; it only says how many total pages went through. If they used a cover sheet, we charge one less page than the confirmation sheet says:)
Me: “Did you use one of our cover sheets today?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “Okay.”
(I charge him for all the pages on his confirmation and he pays.)
Customer: “Wait a second. Aren’t the cover sheets supposed to be free?”
Me: “Yes, but you didn’t use one.”
Customer: “Yes, I did!”
Me: “Only our store cover sheets are free. Sorry.”
Customer: “No, I did use one of yours!”
Me: “You told me you didn’t.”
Customer: “No, I didn’t!”
Me: “Yes, you did. I asked you if you did and you said no.”
Customer: “Oh, well, I wasn’t listening.”
