This Is Spring Rolling Down Hill

, , , , , , | Related | February 9, 2019

(My father, over the years, has taken the eating habits of a pig. I mean the like of always having some food fall on his shirt, making it a race by pushing one bite down by taking the next, open mouth, loud noises so you can actually hear him chew, slurp, smack, and all from one end to the other of the house, and so on. It’s useless to ask him to stop; he says he doesn’t hear anything or just doesn’t know how and that it’s no big deal. It drives me crazy and makes me sick. This one time took the cake. We are having Vietnamese spring rolls for dinner in a build-your-own way; all the ingredients are on the table and you just take what you want. Some items are sticky and have a spoon to serve yourself with, while others you can use your hand as long as you take what you touch. As usual, my father decides the rules don’t apply to him, so he goes in without using the spoon. He can’t just wipe the sticky sauce on a napkin or go wash in the sink. Instead, he proceeds to stick each finger in his mouth, one at a time, all the way to the base, and suck it clean, with the usual noises. Then, with his hand all wet with saliva, he moves to reach into the next dish like nothing happened. Totally grossed out, I stop him.)

Me: “Dad! No!”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “No, you just covered your fingers in saliva; don’t put it back in our common food. Go wash it first.”

Dad: “Hmpf. If you insist.”

(He does wash, but he decides to be as loud as he can since he did not like me calling him out. Since he eats super fast, he’s done first. The problem is, he has to throw his napkin and some bits that fell on him from the meal in the trash can, which is behind him. So, here we are, and he — unnecessarily — bends all the way in half, placing his butt right at the table level, almost leaning on the table, and… yes, he farts. A big, long, stinky one. On the table. Again, grossed out, I call him out on it.)

Me: “Dad! Come on! Farting at the table is bad enough, but farting on the table is disgusting and totally excessive.”

Dad: “Oh, I did? I didn’t notice.”

(He never even attempted to say sorry.)

Unfiltered Story #139414

, , | Unfiltered | February 9, 2019

Me: Do you have air miles?

Customer: No. (turns to man behind her) Do you have air miles?

Man: No

Customer: You don’t want to get points?

Man: um, no, I don’t have air miles.

Customer: (to me) Weird. He doesn’t want to use his air miles.

Unwarranted Stupidity

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2019

(I am a supervisor at a computer help call centre. One of the other workers is having issues with a difficult customer on the phone. The worker gets my attention and explains to me that the customer will no longer talk to them as the worker won’t honor the customer’s warranty on her computer. I tell the worker I will take over the call for them.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, this is [My Name]. I’m [Worker]’s supervisor; how can I help you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working, and [Worker] said that he won’t honor my warranty.”

Me: “Ma’am, I have looked at your warranty and it expired over a year ago. I’m sorry but [Worker] was correct in the fact that we cannot repair your computer under warranty.”

Customer: “That is absolutely stupid; I paid for the warranty and I expect that you repair my computer for me.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you understand that your warranty has expired?”

Customer: “What does that have to do with anything? I paid for the warranty and you have to honor it no matter what.”

Me: “If you went to a vehicle dealership because your vehicle had to be repaired, but your warranty was expired would you expect them to repair it for you for under the warranty?”

Customer: “That’s completely different. I run a business and I know how warranties work.”

Me: “Do you offer warranties at your business, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, of course, I do.”

Me: “Okay, so, if I came in and bought a product from you, and my warranty was good for three months, and then a year after my warranty expired, I came to you and asked you to repair it or replace it for me under the warranty, would you do it?”

Customer: “Of course not.”

Me: “So, why would you expect us to repair your computer for you under warranty when your warranty has been expired for over a year?”

Customer: “I paid for the warranty, and you’re either going to honor it or I will have my lawyer sue [Company].”

Me: “Ma’am, we will not repair your computer for you under warranty. If you feel the need to contact your lawyer, you can have them contact our legal department. Thank you.”

(After this I terminated the call, and to the best of my knowledge the legal department was never contacted.)

Not Banking On This Level Of Stupidity

, , , , , | Right | February 8, 2019

(I work in an airport.)

Me: “Okay, so, you declared that you have more than $10,000 dollars on your person.”

Passenger: “Yes. It’s for work; I’m a television producer.”

(After a few more questions and proof of the validity of the money, I decide to take him into a room to count it.)

Me: “I’m going to take you to a secure counting room to count it all.”

Passenger: “What? It’s just on my card.”

Me: “What?”

(The passenger takes out his credit card and waves it.)

Passenger: “I have more than $10,000 in the bank.”

Cuteness Overload

, , , , , , | Learning | February 8, 2019

(One of my aunts is a high school teacher. One day, she wakes up with a bad case of butterfingers.)

Aunt: *after the third time dropping something in the same class* “It’s a good thing I’m cute!”

(Toward the end of class, she launches into a detailed explanation of what the next assignment is, when it’s due, and other fun details. When she finishes:)

Student #1: “Um, wait… What’s the assignment about?”

Aunt: *gives him a Mom Stare* “It’s a good thing you’re cute!”

Student #1: “What?”

Student #2: “I think she just called you stupid.”

Student #1: “Why?”

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