Your Words Are Broken

, , , , | Learning | April 22, 2015

Me: “What’s up, [Student]?”

Student: *looking sad* “Oh, teacher, I’m so depressed. I broke my girlfriend.”

Me: “You what?”

Student: “I found out she cheated on me so I had to break her.”

Me: “Oh, you broke up with her. That’s too bad.”

Student: “Yes, yes! I feel so bad; I think I might throw out.”

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Not His Best Light-Bulb Moment

, , , , | Working | April 13, 2015

(A delivery driver arrives at our fairly small office, and I’m the one who was free to go to help bring in the shipment.)

Delivery Driver: “So what’s in all these boxes anyway?”

(As he asks, he grabs the first box and SLAMS it down on the tailgate of the truck.)

Me: “…that would be light bulbs.”

Delivery Driver: “…oh.”

(Luckily for both of us, we deal with LED lights – which are made of plastic, not glass!)

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From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 6

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2014

(I work at a hockey stadium ticket booth. A customer is using the ‘F’ word a ridiculous amount of times. Everyone is getting tired of this guy, but none faster than the six-year-old girl behind him in line.)

Little Girl:  “My mom says if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

Crowd: *various sounds of agreement and thanks that she said what they felt they couldn’t*

Customer: “Well, your mom must be a [10-second string of words and phrases that should NEVER be spoken to a child, EVER].”

Little Girl:  *crinkles her face up* “If you followed that rule you’d never talk again!”

(The crowd laughed loudly at the remark, and the foul-mouthed customer and his friend were shamed out of line. I comped half her father’s order.)


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Always The Same Old Song

, , , , , | Right | March 13, 2014

(I am DJing an office Christmas party. A guy who had made tons of requests, most of which I’d played, approaches my workstation.)

Guy: “Where’s my request?”

Me: “I’ve been playing your requests where they fit.”

Guy: “Well, play [Specific Song] next.”

Me: “I’ll get it in soon, but I don’t think it’ll be next. I’ve got a lot of requests coming in, so I have to play them where they fit.”

Guy: “Don’t worry about anyone else’s requests. I’m the boss. Just play my requests.”

Me: “Oh, good. You’re the boss? Then where’s my cheque?”

Guy: “What?”

Me: “Well, since nobody’s bothered to come over and introduce themselves to me yet, I didn’t know who to come find to collect payment.”

Guy: “So, just play my request whenever you can…”

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Getting The Wrong End Of The Stick

, , , | Related | February 27, 2014

(We are at the fair with my two-year-old son. We’re all eating corndogs.)

Husband: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “Yep, I did the pee-on-a-stick test. Came up negative, thank god!”

Husband: “No kidding! Not ready for another!”

Two-year-old son: *staring at his corndog* “Pee on a stick? That sounds terrible!”

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