(On a particularly busy day, a group of Arab women come into the store keen on getting some tea. I’m excited because I actually speak fluent Arabic.)

Customer #1: “We want tea; what are the discounts?”

Me: “We currently don’t have any discounts on, unfortunately! Is there a specific tea you are looking for?”

Customer #2: “We want the one that’s like the one at [Restaurant In Town].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’ve never been there. Could you describe it?”

(This continues for about thirty minutes; they want teas from random places, and I bring down what I think will work, and they seem pleased. It’s at this point they start bickering in Arabic to each other.)

Customer #1: *in Arabic* “She is so stupid; she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about.”

Customer #2: “She’s probably going to overcharge us.”

Customer #3: “Could she go any slower?”

Me: *smiling, still pretending I don’t understand* “Your total today will be $127.83.”

Customer #3: *in Arabic* “OH, MY GOD, IT’S JUST TEA! I COULD GROW THIS IN MY BACKYARD FOR TWO DOLLARS!”

Customer #2: *in English* “How can this be? You have to give us a discount; it’s way too much!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t apply any discounts, but I’d be happy to make you a tea on the house.”

Customer #1: *very angry* “No, just let us pay so we can get out of here.”

(I ring them through,and before I reach for a bag, I decide to make this whole transaction worth my while.)

Me: *in Arabic* “Would you like a bag?”

(I had never seen anyone turn so white in my life; I thought they were going to pass out. They said nothing as I handed them their bag and wished them a wonderful day again in Arabic, just to hit the point home. Most satisfying feeling ever!)

(I work at a very well-known tea shop in Canada. My favourite part of the job is when customers come in, take a look around at all the tea and teapots, and then:)

Customer: “Do you sell tea?”

Me: “No, we don’t. We are actually the only tea shop in the world that doesn’t sell any tea. Have a great day.”

(I’m the customer in this story. I am Caucasian, of Irish and Scottish descent, and have extremely pale skin.)

Me: “Hi. Do you have melanin?”

Pharmacy Worker: “Sorry?”

Me: “Melanin, do you guys carry it?”

Pharmacy Worker: “No, I don’t think so.”

Me: “Drat, are you sure? My doctor told me I should get some before I went on my trip.”

Pharmacy Worker: “I don’t think it works like that.”

Me: “With respect, I’m going to listen to my doctor about how to treat my jet lag.”

Pharmacy Worker: “Jet lag? OH! You mean melatonin!“

Me: “Yes! Wait, did I say, ‘melanin’? Oh, my God, oops.”

(Melatonin is a sleep-related hormone you can buy over the counter in Canada; melanin is the compound that darkens your skin when you tan. I may be a bit short on melanin, but I wasn’t expecting to buy it at the pharmacy!)

I was at the doctor’s office for my appointment, and I just got finished. When my Mom and I were up at the desk to schedule another appointment, the receptionist was on the phone. I don’t know how the conversation started, but the receptionist thought the person on the other end said “cellar.” After a few times, saying “cellar,” she realized that they said “SHOWER.”

So, she stated to the person, “Well, that probably explains why you were confused, when I said, ‘I hope you’re feeding her down there…'”

(I work at a self-serve movie theatre, and as everybody knows, concessions can be pricey since theaters typically only make a few cents per ticket. Because of this, I get a lot of guests that make outraged comments about our prices, though we always offer the opportunity to sign up for a loyalty card to get them 10% off of each order. One day, a particularly bold guest is asking about the prices of concessions items.)

Guest: “How much is the popcorn?”

Me: “It’s [amount] for the regular with taxes, and fifty cents between each size. The drinks are the same.”

Guest: “Wow, that’s not too bad.”

(She walks around for a bit, then starts taking out different bags of popcorn from the warmers and inspecting each one closely and putting them back in. When this happens, we typically have to throw them away to prevent cross-contamination. She then approaches the concessions counter, earning the usual talk from my coworker.)

Guest: “Can I have a fresh one?”

Coworker: “Actually, since we’ve just opened, all of the popcorn in the warmers and the popper were made at the same time, just a few minutes ago. The ones from the warmers are probably better since they’re kept hotter than the popcorn in the popper.”

Guest: “I’m pretty sure that’s from last night. Give me a fresh one.”

(Rather than arguing, she makes her a fresh one, and the guest comes over to my cash.)

Me: “Hi! Do you have a loyalty card with us? It’ll give you 10% off your purchase.”

Guest: “Yes, I do!”

Me: *scans card* “That’ll be [total], please.”

Guest: “What? I thought you said it was [significantly smaller amount]!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I believe I said it was [correct amount]. If you’d like to switch this for a smaller size, I can definitely do that for you.”

Guest: “No, I’ll take this one. Are you sure you can’t make it cheaper?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

Guest: *suggestively* “I think you can.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. That’ll be [total].”

(She then glared at me, but proceeded to pay, anyway. During the movie, I noticed that she came out with a half-empty bag and walked right into the manager’s office — not even lower employees are allowed in without permission — while the door was closing behind a manager, to complain that the popcorn was burnt and that she wanted a new one, and also that the cashiers need to be better trained. My manager came out and told me all of this, and said that her popcorn wasn’t even burnt! Some people are so desperate for free stuff.)