Words Jail Me

, , , | Right | August 12, 2011

(I work at a coffee shop in a botanical garden. I am serving a couple that has difficulty speaking English.)

Customer #1: “Also, can we have a kidnap?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer #2: “Can we have a kidnap?”

Me: “You…want me to kidnap you?”

Customer #1: “No! No! I want…a kidnap!”

Customer #2: “You know, kidnap!”

(She forms a square with her fingers.)

Me: “Oh, do you want a napkin?”

Customer #1: “Yes, kidnap!”

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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2011

(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hung his head in shame.)

 

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Lt. Ripley Goes Shopping

, , , , , , , | Right | October 28, 2010

Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [Other Store] has it.”

(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a Super Soaker, some lighters, and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)

Customer: “Wish me luck!”

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Yukon Freeze It

, , , , , | Right | August 19, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Company] customer service. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You sound different. Where are you from?”

Me: “Canada. Is there something I can help you with?”

Caller: “Canada? How big is the igloo you work in?”

Me: “Sir, we don’t live in igloos. In fact, it’s about 40˚ here at the moment.”

Caller: “40˚ is freezing!”

Me: “40˚ Celsius. That’s 104˚ Fahrenheit.”

Caller: “Oh, my god, how do you keep your igloos from melting?!”

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Loonie Toonies

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2010

Me: “Good evening, sir. How can I help you?”

Guest: “I need change for $5.00 so I can leave the maid a tip.”

(The guest hands me a Canadian $5.00 bill and I open my register and take out a ‘toonie’ and three ‘loonies’ and hand it to the guest.)

Guest: *blank look* “What is this?”

Me: “That is change for $5.00.”

Guest: “Is this real?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Guest: “Are you kidding me?”

Me: “No, sir. I assure you that is Canadian change for five dollars.”

Guest: “Is the maid going to understand what this stuff is?”

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