Me: “Can I help you with anything tonight?”
Customer: “Yeah, are your prices here in dollars or Canadian dollars?”
(Cue several seconds of stunned silence as I try to contemplate what could lead someone to ask this question when the closest border crossing is a three-and-a-half-hour drive away.)
Me: “Well, we are in Canada, so…”
Customer: “Well, I don’t know! I’m passing through from the States!”
(I used to be in Army Cadets, so I know the phonetic alphabet, and use the proper words when clarifying letters.)
Me: “That’s B as in ‘Bravo’?”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “Bravo.”
Customer: “What are you saying?”
Me: “I’m asking you to confirm the letter. Was it B as in ‘Bravo’?”
Customer: “Oh, that’s weird. I was confused because people usually just say, ‘Bob.’”
(This happens several times a shift. A customer inserts their debit or credit card into the machine, and the machine starts beeping. The screen says, “Please remove card.” The customer stares blankly at the machine for several seconds then looks at me. Finally…)
Customer: “It says to remove card; what do I do?”
(I work at a family restaurant that gives out complimentary ice cream and tea or coffee with the purchase of an entree. At the end of the meal, I ask:)
Me: “Can I grab you both some dessert? Your meals come with vanilla or spumoni ice cream.”
Customer #1: “I’ll have the green tea.”
Me: “Sure, one green tea. But would you like vanilla or spumoni?”
Customer #2: “I’ll have the mango ice cream.”
Me: “It’s only vanilla or spumoni, which is chocolate, vanilla, and pistachio. Which can I get for you?”
Customer #1: “Do you have strawberry?”
Me: “No. Just vanilla or spumoni.”
Customer #2: “We’ll both have the spumoni.”
(I grab two spumoni ice creams and a green tea, and set them down on the table.)
Customer #1: “I didn’t order a tea. I wanted the green tea ice cream!”
Customer #2: “I thought Neapolitan ice cream had strawberry?”
(After another discussion about our two flavors, they finally make a final decision.)
Customer #1: “We’ll take the vanilla.”
(I work as a cashier at a big department store.)
Customer: “I’d like to return this hairdryer.”
Me: “Sure. Do you have a receipt?”
Customer: “No, I don’t.”
Me: “Okay, in that case—“
Customer: “I bought this hair dryer for my son. He’s got a terrible illness, and the hairdryer was meant to cheer him up, but he developed an awful rash when he tried to use it.”
Me: “Um—“
Customer: “That’s why I need to return it, see? The poor guy has been through enough; he doesn’t need a rash on top of everything else. His life is so hard. He lost his job recently, and money’s tight, so we can’t afford to waste money on hair dryers that give him a rash, and—“
(The customer keeps talking and talking while I keep trying to interrupt her so that she can start the refund process. During that time, I suddenly realize that I recognize the customer from my last job as a cashier at another big department store.)
Me: “Will you excuse me a moment?” *goes to find manager* “Hey, [Manager]? I’m pretty sure that customer is trying to pull a fast one. I recognize her from my last job. She was notorious for trying to return stolen items for cash.”
Manager: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Oh, yeah. She’s got this tell: she always talks too much and gives a lot of unnecessary details about why she’s trying to return something.”
Manager: “Nice catch. I’ll call the loss prevention guys.”
(The LPs hauled the woman out of the store while she loudly screamed that she needed the money for the hair dryer because of her poor, sick son. The funny thing is that if she hadn’t been such a chatterbox, I might have just processed the return without looking at her too closely.)
