The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4

, , , , , | | Right | May 31, 2011

(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hung his head in shame.)

 

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Lt. Ripley Goes Shopping

, , , , , , , | | Right | October 28, 2010

Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [Other Store] has it.”

(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a Super Soaker, some lighters, and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)

Customer: “Wish me luck!”

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Yukon Freeze It

, , , , , , | | Right | August 19, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Company] customer service. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You sound different. Where are you from?”

Me: “Canada. Is there something I can help you with?”

Caller: “Canada? How big is the igloo you work in?”

Me: “Sir, we don’t live in igloos. In fact, it’s about 40˚ here at the moment.”

Caller: “40˚ is freezing!”

Me: “40˚ Celsius. That’s 104˚ Fahrenheit.”

Caller: “Oh, my god, how do you keep your igloos from melting?!”

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Deranged Decades

, , , , | | Right | November 17, 2008

(I used to work summers for my dad, who is a psychiatrist.)

Me: “Good morning, Dr. [Name]’s Office, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need to make an appointment with Dr. [Name]. Can I speak with him?”

Me: “Sorry, he’s with a patient right now but if you give me your information, I’ll set up an appointment for you. Are you currently a patient of Dr. [Name]?”

Caller: “Yes, I was a guinea pig of his when he did lithium experiments on me back in the 1940s.”

Me: “Um… I think you got your dates wrong. Dr. [Name] wasn’t born at that time.”

Caller: “Oh, then in the 1950s. It was in the 1950s and he and the government were running secret experiments on me at that time.”

Me: “I doubt that, he would have just been a young child at that time.”

Caller: “Then it was the 1960s, d*** it! It was at the [Hospital] in Alberta in the 1960’s.”

Me: “Dr. [Name] has never practiced in Alberta. He wasn’t even living in Canada at that time.”

Caller: “Are you calling me a LIAR?”

Me: “Well, considering that Dr. [Name] is my dad, I think I’ll take my word over yours.”

Caller: “Well, then we can’t do business. No, we can’t do any business. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

Me: “Wow…”

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A Nation Of Size Queens, Part 2

, , , , | | Right | November 5, 2008

Me: “Good evening! You have reached [Campground]. How can I help?”

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but will I need my parka? I hear it’s only 28 degrees up there today.”

Me: “I wouldn’t imagine so. It’s hot and sunny outside. Everyone here is wearing shorts and t-shirts.”

Customer: “Are you crazy?! It’s 28 degrees!”

Me: “Sir, that’s in degrees Celsius.”

Customer: “What do you mean Celsius? Is that like the number on the thermometer? Are your thermometers smaller in Canada? Is that why it’s 28?”

Me: *gives up* “Yes. Have a great night.”

 

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