Catching All The Classics

, , , , , | Hopeless | September 8, 2017

(A couple with a five- or six-year-old daughter is browsing in my bookstore. After checking out the children’s books for a bit, the girl comes up to my desk.)

Girl: “I like your music. It’s catchy.”

(This may have been the first time the Beethoven String Quartets were described as “catchy”, but you have great taste, little girl!)

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Grand Theft Pranker

, , , | Right | September 8, 2017

(I am working at a restaurant taking calls. A call comes in and these are the proceedings:)

Caller: “I’m going to kick your a**.”

(I immediately recognize the voice as Niko Bellic, an eastern European man that plays the main character in very famous video game GTA IV. I figure that the caller is using sound clips from the game, as, “I am going to kick your a**,” is one of Niko’s most used lines.)

Me: “Niko! Is that you? Want to get some drinks?”

Caller: *in Niko voice* “F*** OFF!”

Me: “Okay then.” *click*

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Taxing Faxing, Part 20

, , , , | Right | September 8, 2017

Customer: “Can you fax something for me?”

Me: “It’s actually a self-serve fax, but I can show you how it works.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “It’s really easy. You don’t have to press any special buttons first, or pick up the phone or anything. All you have to do first is dial the number. If it’s toll free or long distance, you need to dial the one first, just like a phone.”

Customer: “I’m confused.”

Me: “All you have to do is dial the number.”

Customer: “I’m still confused.”

Me: “Just dial the number.”

Customer: “Well, how do I do that when the number’s on the paper I’m faxing!?”

Me: “You don’t have to put the paper in first, you can do that after you’ve dialed.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Right now, all you need to do is dial the number.”

(I swear people are this ignorant on purpose.)

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Bird-Call Is Not Your Calling

, , | Learning | September 8, 2017

(I attend university for a degree in outdoor education. Because of this, a lot of our professors are seen as all-knowing in EVERY aspect of the outdoors, from plants you can eat, to animal tracking, etc. I quickly realize my error in assuming this when we are on a field trip and keep on hearing this distinct bird call.)

Student: “Hey, [Professor], do you know what kind of bird that is?”

Professor: “Well, from the tone and repetition it emits, I would have to say a yellow-chested Robin. This species of bird has a higher pitch than other birds, and is known as the chattiest of all robins.”

Student: “Really?”

Professor: “I have no idea; I don’t know anything about birds.”

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Hammering Home The Dad Jokes

, , , , , | Related | September 8, 2017

(My dad is the mechanics teacher at the high school in our city. I am in his grade-10 class. He always says that his main role as a father is to embarrass his two daughters. My dad is helping another student with their small engine, while I am standing by, waiting for my dad to come and help me.)

Dad: “Here’s your hammer. Why did you need it?”

(The student starts to explain their reasons for needing the hammer but…)

Dad: *cuts them off by yelling* “BECAUSE IT’S HAMMER TIME!” *promptly starts singing and humming an MC Hammer song while dancing along*

(Keep in mind that I am standing right there, although now I am blushing, rolling my eyes, and doing my best to not look embarrassed.)

Dad: *looks over at me while talking to the student* “I feel my role as a father is to embarrass my children.”

Student: “Well, it’s definitely working.”

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