Planting The Seeds Of Refund Expectations

, , , , | Right | April 4, 2018

(Our garden centre’s return policy for live plants is already generous, and unofficially, we’re encouraged to allow most returns just to avoid customer temper tantrums.)

Customer: “I need to return these shrubs.”

(He gestures to three completely brown, bone dry, entirely dead potted cedars on his cart.)

Cashier: *sigh* “Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No. I bought them a little while back. I didn’t expect them to turn out so terrible, so I didn’t keep the receipt.”

Cashier: “All right. If you gave us your information, I can look you up in the system.”

(The cashier finds the record of his purchase.)

Cashier: “Sir, you bought these trees almost two years ago. That’s way outside of our return policy unless there was something wrong with them.”

Customer: “Well, they look pretty wrong to me!”

Cashier: “How long did they last? Did you water and feed them? Did they get enough sun?”

Customer: “Well, I mean, I probably watered them. I don’t know. I put them in the garage after I bought them, and I don’t know what did or didn’t happen after that.”

Cashier: “Did you keep live plants inside your garage for two years without any sun or water?”

Customer: “Yeah. So, can I get a refund?”

(Yes, he did get a refund.)

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The Windows Scam – Now Available As An App!

, | Working | April 3, 2018

(My grandmother has just had a tooth extracted and is recovering at home. The phone rings at 7:30 the next morning, and I scramble out of bed to get it for her.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Good morning, ma’am. I am calling from Microsoft services and technical support about your computer, okay?”

(I am livid, as I’ve dealt with this scam before and only have my iPad with me, anyway. More than that, they’ve just woken my grandmother.)

Me: “No, you are not, because I do not have a computer here. You have just woken my grandmother, and she just had surgery yesterday. GOODBYE!”

(I hung up, sweetly excused myself to my grandmother, and went back to bed.)

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That’s Flawed Writing

, , , | Romantic | April 3, 2018

(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws.”

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Barking About Parking

, , , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2018

(I am picking up my girlfriend from her piano lesson. As I pull up to her piano teacher’s house, the car in the driveway next door starts reversing out into the street. Not wanting to get in the car’s way, I pull over to the side of the road and put the car in park. I text my girlfriend that I am here and sit down with the radio on, playing a game on my phone. After about a minute, I hear a knocking on my car window. I look out, and the car that pulled out before has reversed next to me, and a middle-aged woman has got out and is knocking on my window. I open the door a bit.)

Me: “Hi! What’s up?”

Woman: *screaming* “YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! THIS STREET IS NO PARKING!”

Me: *taken aback* “It’s okay; I’m just picking up my girlfriend.”

Woman: “WHICH HOUSE DOES SHE LIVE IN?”

(I point.)

Woman: “WELL, THEN, YOU SHOULD PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY!”

Me: “Okay.”

(She then jumps into her car and peels off down the street without another word. I check my phone; I have been stopped less than a minute at this point. I see that my girlfriend has texted me that she is coming out. Not thirty seconds later, the woman’s car comes tearing down the street at twice the speed limit, in reverse! She drives her car into the piano teacher’s driveway — blocking me off — leaps out of her car, runs up to the piano teacher’s door, and starts knocking furiously. Once the piano teacher opens the door, the woman starts screaming and cussing, mostly unintelligibly, about how I am parked illegally. By this time, I have pulled off the street into the only driveway available to me: the woman’s driveway. She sees me there, and her eyes almost bulge out of their sockets.)

Woman: “HE WASN’T PARKED THERE BEFORE! HE WAS PARKED ON THE STREET!”

Me: “I had to park here; you blocked off the driveway.”

Woman: “YOU CAN’T PARK ON THE STREET! YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! WHY DON’T YOU GO AWAY?!”

Me: *fed up* “You need to leave, right now, or I am going to call the police.”

(At that, she jumps back into her car and squeals off. My girlfriend and her piano teacher come out, looking shocked.)

Girlfriend: “What the heck was all that about? I couldn’t make sense of any of her screaming.”

Piano Teacher: “Yeah, she’s nuts. Luckily, she is almost never home. Plus, she always has her guests park on the street, sometimes for days at a time.”

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Their Brain Is Already Fried

, , | Right | April 2, 2018

Me: “Would you like fries with your burger?”

Customer: “Does it come with fries?”

Me: “The combo does, but you could also just get the burger alone.”

Customer: “Well, did I get the combo?”

Me: “Did you want the combo?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Would you like fries, or just a burger?”

Customer: “Do the fries come with it?”

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