Sentenced To Death

, , , , , | Working | June 25, 2018

(I’m doing some volunteer work alongside a coworker who has her baby in a sling on her back. After a while she asks me:)

Coworker: “How is he doing back there?”

Me: “Looks pretty dead…”

(She gives me a horrified look, so I hastily add:)

Me: “…to the world, I mean!”

Coworker: “Don’t say things like that to a new mother!”

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Two Ruined Dates For The Price Of One

, , , , , | Romantic | June 25, 2018

(My friend is out with a guy on a first date. She can’t help but notice that he’s staring at a woman sitting with her date at a nearby table.)

Friend: “Is something wrong?”

Guy: “Sorry, but that woman looks really familiar. It’s bugging me; I know I’ve seen her before.”

Woman’s Date: “Can I help you, buddy?”

Guy: “No disrespect intended, man, but I think I’ve met this lady before.”

Woman: *looking uncomfortable* “I don’t think so, sir.”

Guy: “No, I’m sure of it… Wait! Do you dance at [Burlesque House]?”

Woman: “Yes.”

Guy: “That’s it! I’ve seen you strip!”

Woman’s Date: “WHAT?”

Friend: “WHAT?”

Guy: “What?”

(Both dates were over pretty quickly after that.)

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A Totally Crap Present

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 24, 2018

I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

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Unfiltered Story #115192

, | Unfiltered | June 23, 2018

(I am a customer here. I’m browsing through the aisles when another customer, an older lady, approaches me. Note, I am fairly tall while the lady is quite short.)
Lady: “Excuse me dear, I need a hand. You do work here, right?”
(After having read all the “I don’t work here” stories on this site I am a little worried that I’m in for some crazy)
Me: “Um, no… I don’t, actually…”
Lady: “Oh, I’m sorry! Well, would you mind doing me a favour anyway, then? I just need a hand getting one of these things off the top shelf. I can’t reach it.”
Me: *relieved* “Of course, no problem!”
(I got the item she wanted and she thanked me and left. Guess I was worried for nothing, but it’s nice to know that some people are still polite and sane!)

Your Eyesight Is Poop

, , , , , | Friendly | June 22, 2018

(We have just gotten a new puppy and we are working on potty training, as it’s a new environment and new people. Understandably, she’s been under a lot of stress and has had a few accidents in the house. But after a few accident-free days, she gets the runs in the house and as we are working on potty training, we still take her out. Today, I have been up since six am cleaning up accidents and Googling how to make her feel better ,until about seven when I try taking her out again. She squats, but nothing comes out so we just walk away.)

Random Neighbor: *on his balcony* “HEY! I SAW YOU! PICK UP YOUR POOP!”

Me: “There is literally nothing to pick up! What do you want me to do?”

Random Neighbor: “PICK IT UP!”

(I walk back with a baggie and pretend to pick up poop, since there’s nothing there.)

Random Neighbor: “See, was that so hard!”

Me: “…?”

(Seriously, I get it. We all want a clean, poop-free park. But unless you are the poop police, and you are going to come down and take pictures of said poop as evidence, maybe don’t shout at people at seven am!)

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