Parental Attachment

, , , , , , , | Related | September 22, 2017

Hopping online one day, I notice I have a message with an attachment, and open it. What is enclosed is adult imagery. This alone catches me off guard, enough to stop and wonder what is going on.

That’s when my mother, who is on the phone with my grandmother, looks at my computer and shouts, “ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN?!”

Instantly I can hear my grandmother laughing through the speaker, and I have to explain the situation. After that my mother explains everything to my grandmother, who can’t stop laughing.

Provide Assurance Before Insurance

, , , , , | Working | September 22, 2017

It was near month end when a lot of car insurances were coming due. Near closing time, a young man came in with that tell-tale look of desperation and panic that just told us something was up.

He came to the counter and I was to serve him. He blurted out, “My insurance is due tonight, and I don’t have the right paperwork, and I don’t get paid until tomorrow, and I think I may owe money for some fines, and I don’t know what to do!!”

I calmly took his papers, looked at them and then to him, and said “Okay, first thing we do is PANIC!” I took a beat, held eye contact, then said, “Okay, good. Nailed it. Now we just need to figure out how to make this work for you.”

I don’t think he exhaled the whole time.

His Innuendo Sucks

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(I am working self-checkout at the time of this order. An older gentleman, probably around his early 80s, is having difficulty putting the cash into the bill slot, so I walk over to help him.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you need any help with that?”

Customer: “Yes, I just can’t figure out where to put my money.”

(I hold my hand out for the money and put it in for him. The machines take the money very quickly, so I make a seemingly innocent comment as joke.)

Me: “Well, that certainly sucked it back very quickly, didn’t it?”

Customer: “Yeah, just like my wife!”

(I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him to have a good day and walked back to my till.)

Must Have Been Red-Driving Hood

, , , , | Related | September 21, 2017

(In the drive-thru, we offer free, expired, plain doughnut holes to customers for their dogs. Often they are quite tough, as they are old. Note: a fresh doughnut hole only costs $.25.)

Customer: “Could I grab a doughnut hole for my dog?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(He then gave the crusty doughnut hole to his elderly grandmother in the passenger seat and drove off.)

Memoirs Of A Grader

, , , | Learning | September 21, 2017

(I am in a creative writing course. Our teacher gives us an assignment for which we must write about a profound change that occurs to a character in one of our favourite books. Basically, it has to be a life-changing event for the character, and has to directly cause their main journey in the book. We also have to use quotes that prove this point. I choose my favourite novel, “Memoirs of a Geisha.” I write about how the life-changing event for the character is having a man come into her life, early on in the novel, and take her away from her fishing village to where she becomes a geisha. The main character literally talks about how this change affects her life, and how she wouldn’t be a geisha if this hadn’t happened. I include that quote, confident I will receive a high mark, and am shocked when I only get a C.)

Me: “I don’t understand why I got this mark. You wrote that this couldn’t be ‘the life-changing event of the novel.’ Why?”

Teacher: “That quote you included happened on the first page of the book. A life-changing event can’t happen that early on.”

Me: “…you mean the quote where she says, ‘my life was forever changed by this man’?”

Teacher: “If that’s the quote that you said happened on page one, then yes. See, the event has to happen later on in the novel, and has to completely change the main character’s life.”

Me: “…the main character is literally saying this IS the life-changing event for her with that quote. It couldn’t be any clearer. Yes, she says that on page one, but it’s to foreshadow what happens later on in the book. The book is called Memoirs of a Geisha; if this event I’m talking about didn’t take place, she would have never become a geisha. There wouldn’t even be a book.”

Teacher: “It’s still too early in the book. The event shouldn’t happen on the first page.”

Me: “It doesn’t! Didn’t you read further on and see where I got the other quotes? The meeting between her and the man doesn’t happen until later. I just included that quote from the first page because she is saying the experience was life-changing.”

Teacher: “Well, there must be something else that happens further along in the book that’s more important. It can’t take place on the first page.”

(She refused to change my mark because I used a quote from the first page. I never saw her again after I finished the course, and I really want to meet her again so I can shove my English degree in her face.)

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