(Like most places, we offer our signature burger with double patties. It even has its own combo number on the menu. There are no promotions or specials on it. We are, however, running a two-for-$7 special on our regular signature burger. I’m listening to this exchange over the drive-thru.)

Customer: “Can I get the double [signature burger]?” 

Cashier: “Absolutely. Would you like fries and a drink with that?”

Customer: “Yes, please.” 

Cashier: “Okay, your total today is [around $13].” 

Customer: “That’s the double?”

Cashier: “Yes, you have the double [burger] combo with fries and [drink].”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Cashier: “The double [burger] combo is [price] plus tax.”

Customer: “But the sign says the double is $7!”

Cashier: “Oh! You mean the two-for-$7!”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said: the double!”

(My boyfriend works as a researcher at a physics lab. As such, he works with people from all over the world. Most of his coworkers have met me and know we’ve been dating for several years. One of those coworkers is a very sweet woman from the UK who loves to compliment people. Another aspect of his work is that the dress code is very lax, of which my boyfriend takes full advantage by wearing graphic T-shirts and shorts to work pretty much every day of the year. On this occasion, however, he is at a conference giving a talk about his findings and so is in a nice dress shirt.)

British Coworker: “Oh, [Boyfriend], you look so nice! I like it when you wear a shirt!”

(Other coworkers give them weird looks.)

Boyfriend: “I… I think I usually wear a shirt.”

British Coworker: “Oh, does that mean something different here?”

(A mother and her eight-year-old come into the clinic. She says the kid was using the end of a pencil to scratch his ear the previous day and the eraser came off and he accidentally pushed it in while trying to get it out. She can’t get it with tweezers. I flush the ear to remove the eraser and notice a few things.)

Me: “There are clear signs of a swimmer’s ear infection. Fluid has been trapped behind that eraser for a lot longer than a few hours. The eraser would also not nearly be this… encrusted… after such a short time.”

Mother: “[Son] only told me about it yesterday. He said it had just happened. [Son], when did the eraser get stuck in your ear?”

(We both eye the child. He fidgets for a few moments before…)

Son: “Christmas break.”

(This is in MARCH!)

Mother: “What?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Son: *defiantly* “Well, it only hurt if I touched it and I don’t sleep on that side!”

(Kid logic is my job security.)

(A customer purchases an item, leaves, and returns to ask if we can install the item for her. It’s not something we typically do, but the employee does as requested; he’s only been working here for five days. He installs the item perfectly within seconds only to find that the item has a sticky residue on it. He tries to remove it for about three minutes and upon realizing it isn’t happening, he asks me what to do now. I feel that the right thing to do is to refund the money for the product, deeming it defective, and then offer solutions where to get another and with him a good night.)

Customer: “So, how are you going to compensate me for my time?”

Me: “Did you ask him to install the product, or did he offer to do it for you?”

Customer: “I asked him.”

Me: “I can’t compensate you for your time; we, unfortunately, don’t do that. Also, we stood by the product by refunding your money, and he was doing you a favour.”

Customer: *very passive-aggressive* “You are a business and you should try to keep your customers! You are awful, your staff is awful, and you should train them better! And you shouldn’t get defensive!”

Me: “I’m not defending myself; I’m defending my staff. We are a business, which is why I can’t give things away for free. And also, this counter here doesn’t mean that you can stand there, berating me and my staff, and treat us like garbage.”

(I admit, probably not the best thing to say.)

Customer: *slightly stunned*

(The customer received my supervisor contact information from me. Since when has it become appropriate for a customer to demand a stipend for their time? And when has it become socially acceptable for a person to demand compensation for generosity? I suppose it’s true that no good deed goes unpunished.)

(I run a bit of a computer support business as my side hustle. My customer has just purchased a new multi-functional printer and is confused about how scanning works.)

Me: “This is how you scan. You can put the paper on the feeder here or on the glass here.”

Customer: “But will it scan double-sided on the glass?”

Me: “No, as the laser only faces the glass and it does not matter if you’re scanning because—”

Customer: “So, you are telling me if I put my face on the glass it won’t scan my entire face?”

Me: *facepalm* “I think what you need is a camera.”