Mom Hates It When Birds Leave The Nest

, , , , , | Related | November 13, 2017

(I am living on my own for the first time, and I’m talking to my mom on the phone while walking back from getting groceries. My mom is being a mom, telling me about how much she worries about me.)

Me: “Mom, I’m fine. I’m really liking school and I’m perfectly sa–”

(Just then, something comes at me and I see it out of the corner of my eye. I scream and duck down, just in time to miss the seagull that’s just dive-bombed me. I would like to point out that I had no idea birds do this when you walk by their nests and I didn’t know there was a nest in the car-lot I was walking past. Not knowing these things, it’s incredibly hard for me to explain this to my mom.)

Mom: “What? WHAT HAPPENED? Are you all right?”

Me: “I’m fine, Mom, but you’re not going to believe this. This–”

(As I’m about to explain this, the seagull turns around, facing me with evil, yellow eyes, and lets out the biggest battle cry it can muster as it prepares to dive again.)

Me: “MOM, I’VE GOT TO GO!”

(I hung up my phone and booked it out of there. Needless to say, I did not help my mom feel more secure.)

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Unfiltered Story #99556

| Unfiltered | November 12, 2017

My sister is always on, what I call, HER time. This means that she’ll call or talk to you when it’s convenient for her. To this day, she still doesn’t pay attention to the time difference between us and will call at a good time for her but a terrible time for me. When we were living under the same roof, she use to do this when I was napping. This resulted in one hillarious exchange when I was napping after an opening shift.

Sister: (My name) wake up.
Me: (groans)
Sister: (My name) come on, you have to show me how to do that thing with my iPod.
Me: (mumbles something)
Sister: (My name)!
Me: (whispers) Bathing cap.
Sister: …what?
Me: BAthING ….CAP!
Sister: (giggling) Why do I need a bathing cap for my iPod?
Me: Well, you want to change your outfit don’t you?

Thankfully, my sister decided to let me sleep after this and I woke up later with no recollection of this happening.

Unfiltered Story #99554

| Unfiltered | November 12, 2017

My sister and I are avid Pokemon players, and are stoked when the Nintendo DS makes online battling so much easier. In preparation for our next battle, I’ve been training a Garchomp, which is an epic Rock Dragon Pokemon. I’ve named it after ‘Bibble’ from Polkadot shorts and can’t wait to see the look on her face when I send it out.

When that day finally comes, my sister is feeling quite smug after she makes one of my Pokemon faint and I have to send a new one in. I chose my Garchomp and look right at her, expectation an ‘Oh sh**’ reaction. To my surprise, I see her look at the Pokemon in confusion. She then turns to me.

Sister: Bible?

I look down and realize I forgot to add an extra ‘b’ when I named my Pokemon. All this time I was training a Pokemon named after a religious artifact and had no idea. The satisfaction I expected to feel when I sent out that Pokemon, turned into laughter and we couldn’t even finish the match.

Unfiltered Story #99552

| Unfiltered | November 12, 2017

I am living on my own for the first time and talking to my mom while walking back from getting groceries. My mom is being a mom, and telling me about how much she worries about me.

Me: Mom, I’m fine. I’m really liking school and I’m perfectly sa-

Just then, something comes at me and I see it out of the corner of my eye. I scream and duck down, just in time to miss the seagull that’s just dived bomb me. I like to point out that I had no idea birds do this when you walk by their nest and didn’t know there was a nest in the carlot I was walking past. Not knowing these things, it was incredibly hard for me to explain this to my mom.

Mom: What? WHAT HAPPENED? Are you all right?
Me: I’m fine mom, but you’re not going to believe this. This-

As I’m about to explain this, the seagull turns around, facing me with evil yellow eyes and let’s out the biggest battle cry it can muster as it prepares to dive again.

Me: MOM I GOT TO GO!

I hung up my phone and booked it out of there. Needless to say, I did not help my mom more secure.

Only Listening To Some Random Words

, , , | Right | November 11, 2017

(I work airport security. The metal detectors choose random people for additional screening. On the screen, it will tell us if it’s an actual alarm or random. The alert beep sounds almost identical to the metal alarm one. A lady walks through and the machine chooses her for random screening.)

Me: “Hello, bonjour, miss. You’ve been chosen for additional screening.”

Lady: *not listening* “Oh, I don’t think I have any metal.”

Me: “No, the metal detector chose you for random screening.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t think it’s my shoes; I’ve worn them through before.”

Me: “No, it’s random.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t have anything in my pockets.”

Me: “It’s random selection.”

Lady: “Maybe if I try—” *suddenly stops, clueing in* “Oh! Maybe if I listened; I’d like the scanner, please!”

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