Don’t Know What His Baggage Is

, , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work in a grocery store that exclusively uses paper bags. Most of our competitors use plastic bags. I have just finished packing a customer’s order and wished him a goodnight.)

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “That would be our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “I need a bag.”

Me: “This is our bag.”

Customer: “No plastic bag?”

Me: “No, sir.”

(He then proceeded to unpack his order and took the items loose. I really couldn’t think of a way to say that his groceries were IN a bag.)

Wanted An Extra-Happy Meal

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2017

(I work the front counter on one of the tills, with my boss fixing the ice cream machine standing a foot behind me, when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheeseburger and fries.”

Me: “That will be [price].”

(The customer hands over the money and then says in the same volume and tone of voice used to order:)

Customer: “Want to buy some drugs?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The customer then found a seat in the middle of the lobby… and spread out his wares in little pill bottles. Everyone in the store was staring at this guy, as my manager, also plainly visible to everyone in the store, was on the phone with the cops and could not stop snickering under her breath. The rest of the staff and customers waiting in line now proceeded to find comfortable spots to watch as this oblivious idiot got arrested.)

It Looks Like Pokémon Isn’t In The Cards

, , , , | Learning | September 13, 2017

(At my school, there is a storm drain in the middle of the playground. Nobody thinks much of it until we hear someone yell.)

Kid: “HEY, THERE’S A POKÉMON CARD IN THERE!”

(Everyone rushes over and looks down. Sure enough, there is a Pokémon card lying face down at the bottom of the storm drain. Every day, for about a month, everyone tries to open the cover or stick things through to try to get the card, but to no avail. One day, everyone is called by the principal into the auditorium for a surprise assembly.)

Principal: “Today I want to talk to you about safety. I have noticed for a while now that everyone seems to be crowding around the storm drain at recess. That is very unsafe, and there is no reason why anyone should try to mess with the cover… because I got the Pokémon card.” *he pulls a worn, crumpled up Pokémon card from his back pocket* “As you can see, it’s just a Pidgey, nothing special.”

(Thinking that this was just a way to get us to stay away from the storm drain, we still looked in to check at recess. The Pokémon card was gone.)

Licking These Cakes Into Shape

, , , , , | Working | September 12, 2017

My mother and soon-to-be step-father were getting married, and we were all out looking for a cake. We asked around and tried to find the best place to buy one, and wound up in a rather nice neighborhood at a fancy bakery.

We walked in and oohed and ahhed at all the good-looking cakes, and went to get ours custom-made.

As my parents ordered the cake, I wandered around until I reached a door in the back and looked through its window. Inside was the kitchen, and two men were baking. As I watched, one started to apply some icing, and when he ran out, he ran his fingers down and then LICKED the tool! Then, without washing it, he started putting more on.

Horrified, I went back to my parents and told them what happened. We quickly canceled the order, left, and didn’t go back.

Bringing In Some Punwood

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2017

(I’m doing my shift at our family-owned store when my husband walks in unexpectedly with an armload of planks.)

Me: “What are you up to?”

Husband: “Oh, just lumbering around…”

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