I was sitting in my car, waiting at a red light, when I heard the bang of something hitting the passenger side of my car, behind the door. I looked over my shoulder and in the side mirror but didn’t see anything. The light then changed to green, and the road was busy and extra narrow because of construction, so if I got out of my car to look, I’d have been holding up all sorts of traffic. I started to go, but the car behind me honked. I knew something was wrong so I put my car in park and got out — to find a skateboarder under my car!

He had — I would guess — lost control on the bumps of the torn-up sidewalk, hit my car, and then climbed under my car to retrieve his board. His hip was near my back tire and I would have cut him in two had the car behind not honked.

(I work summers in a historical park — basically a huge outdoor museum. Decades ago, some of the original donors to the park were issued lifetime passes. I work in the ticket booth at the front of the park, and a woman and her kids arrive with one of these lifetime passes. Not only is she much too young to have been issued one of these passes, but the pass is in a man’s name.)

Customer: “This pass gives us free family admission, right?”

Me: “Is the pass holder with you today?”

Customer: “I’m the pass holder.”

Me: “Is this your name on the pass?”

Customer: “No, that’s my father’s name. But he left the pass to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this pass is only valid if the pass holder is here with you.”

Customer: “He died last year.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “But he left me this pass.”

Me: “I’m afraid they don’t really work that way. If your father has passed away, you won’t be able to use his pass.”

Customer: “But it’s a lifetime pass!”

Me: “Right…”

Customer: “It never expires!”

Me: “It never expired during your father’s lifetime. But since he’s passed away…”

Customer: “He left it to me! I can use it!”

Me: “No, I’m afraid these passes can’t be left to other family members.”

Customer: “But it’s a lifetime pass!”

(I finally had to get my boss to explain that the Lifetime Pass was only valid during her father’s lifetime. The woman refused to pay admission. She left, still angry that we wouldn’t accept her dead father’s Lifetime Pass.)

(I’m stocking shelves when an elderly female customer approaches. Important to know is that in the store, the ceilings are about twenty feet high.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where the sauerkraut is?”

Me: “Sure, it’s actually in this aisle a few feet ahead.”

(There are only two different kinds of sauerkraut: one on the top shelf and one right below it. The ones on the lower shelf are sold out.)

Customer: “Oh… you don’t have more of this one on the lower shelf in the back?”

Me: “No, sorry, we’ve just received our order and didn’t get it in. There is more of the other kind on the top shelf, though.”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I can see that, but I couldn’t possibly take it. It’s too close to the light.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The lights! They’re shining directly on everything on the top shelves, and they make it all too hot to eat. It’s not safe.”

Me: “I, uh, don’t really think that matters too much.”

Customer: “Oh, sure, you say that now. But just you wait; one day you’ll eat warm sauerkraut and die, and whose fault will it be then?”

(I work tech support. Anything hardware-related needs to be brought into the store since our technicians do not carry all the required tools for various hardware-related problems.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I have a power bar that my computer is plugged into and it’s making some strange noises.”

Me: “Have you tried replacing the power bar?”

Customer: “Well, it’s not a power bar; it’s one of those things that keep the computer going if the power goes out.”

Me: “Oh, okay. We can definitely help with that. However, since it is a hardware-related problem, you would have to bring it to our store so our technicians can take a look at it.”

Customer: “But I had someone come to my house before to fix other problems!”

Me: “We do offer in-home services; however, since it is a hardware problem, our technicians are not able to carry all the tools and parts required to fix any and all hardware-related problems. The problem they fixed last time was more than likely software-related.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a software problem, then! It’s making noise!”

Me: “Unfortunately, power supplies that make noise are a hardware problem, so you would need to bring it into the store.”

Customer: “But I can’t bring it to a store; I don’t have a car!”

Me: “Maybe you can get in touch with a friend or family member to help?”

Customer: “But I want someone to come to my home to fix it!”

Me: “As I said, we, unfortunately, do not offer in-home hardware support.”

Customer: “Fine.” *click*

Coworker: “I have software that makes noise! It’s called music!”

(This post office is in the back corner of a shop. In the post office queue, the guy at the front is taking ages, getting annoyed.)

Guy: “Look, get me your manager. I was told this would be fine. She’ll back me up.”

Cashier: “Do you mean the manager of the post office or of the whole store?”

Guy: “The post office, obviously. God, are you stupid?”

(The cashier makes a phone call, and it’s obvious the manager tells her to go along with the guy’s demands.)

Cashier: “Okay, then, we’ll just need to see some ID…”

Guy: “But didn’t your manager tell you who I am? She’s a friend of mine, you know.”

Cashier: “Sir, my manager’s a guy, so…”

(The guy shut up and handed over his ID.)