(In Canada, we only have one major book retailer, however, not all the stores have the same name. Large stores are called Chapters and small stores are called Coles. The uniforms for all the stores are identical, except of course that the vests say either “Chapters” or “Coles” depending on which store you work in. I work in a Coles, but on this day have gone straight to Chapters after work to grab a book that my own store didn’t have in stock. I don’t think twice about the fact that I still have my uniform on until this happens)
Customer: “Excuse me, can you tell me where to find [book]?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I have no idea.” *suddenly realizing he assumes I’m working* “I don’t actually work here…”
(We both glance down at my work vest)
Customer: “… Oh, Coles! Okay… Well, this is embarrassing!”
Me: “Sorry I can’t help you…”
(He leaves, and I find my book and head to the cash. Guess who shows up right behind me?)
Customer: *sounding proud of himself* “I found it anyway!”
Me: “Well that’s good!”
(I’m glad the whole encounter went without any drama, but from now on I’ll definitely make sure I take off my work vest before going inside another store!)

(I work in a store that is next to a fast food restaurant. One day I go to the fast food place for lunch with a coworker who really hates stupidity. My coworker places his order, and it comes to $10.35. He gives the cashier a $20 bill and ¢35 in coin. The cashier looks at him in total confusion.)

Cashier: “Why did you give me the ¢35?”

Coworker: “So you don’t have to give me any change, just the bill.”

Cashier: “You don’t want your change?”

Coworker: “You just need to give me a $10 bill now, instead of giving me a lot of coins.”

Cashier: “So, you don’t want your change?”

(This goes on for another minute.)

Coworker: *getting very frustrated* “Just type exactly what I gave you into your till.”

(She does, and the till tells her to give back $10. She gives him his change, and he gets his food and leaves, very angry. After he is gone, I hear this while I’m waiting for my food.)

Cashier: “What a moron, says he doesn’t want his change, leaving me to think I’m getting a good tip. Then leaves nothing.”

(I then saw the cashier’s coworkers shake their heads. I got my food, went back to work, and told my coworker what happened after he left. He made a complaint later on and got three free meals, and we never saw that cashier again.)

(My husband is getting ready to go to work, which he really doesn’t want to do.)

Me: “You have to start the car to let it heat up; it’s cold outside”

(He gets an evil grin on his face, walks up to me, and grabs my boob, turning his hand a little.)

Me: “What do you think you are doing?”

Husband: “Starting the car, but it’s not working. OH!” *while still holding my boob, he moves behind me and stands so his front is touching my backside* “Maybe I have to put the key in.”

Me: “Out! Go start the car!”

(He opens up his mouth to say something, but before he does I specify:)

Me: “The Malibu!”

Husband: “But you are my Malibu Barbie.”

(Laughing, he runs out of the house to start the car. A couple of minutes later, he is back inside and asks where his mitts are; I borrowed them to shovel some snow.)

Me: *handing them to him* “Sorry, they are still wet. At work, you should put them by a heater or something so they dry properly.”

(Again, he gets that evil smile and walks up to me, placing a mitt on each shoulder. I just look at him.)

Husband: “They will be dry in no time now.”

Me: *oblivious* “What do you mean?”

Husband: “You said to put them by something hot!”

(He is the weirdest romantic you will ever meet, but he’s mine.)

Customer: What’s the difference between these two papers?

Me: The paper itself is actually the same, they’re just forested differently.

Customer: So what’s the difference?

Me: The paper with the green stripe on the package is forested in a more environmentally friendly way, and the one with the yellow stripe isn’t. But the paper itself is actually exactly the same.

Customer: So why is this one cheaper?

Me: Because it’s on sale.

Customer: So there’s no difference?

Me: Not in the actual quality of the paper, no. Just the way it’s forested.

(Customer’s friend comes up)

Customer’s friend: What’s the difference between the papers?

Customer: I don’t know.

(A scam artist calls my house. I answer.)

Scammer: “There is a problem with your computer.”

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “Actually, this is a routine check-up. I’m getting a notification that there is a problem with your computer.”

Me: “Which computer?”

Scammer: “Actually, it’s a problem with your Internet. Whenever you log in to the Internet or check your email, it downloads a virus.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Scammer: “This is what we need to do…”

(I cut him off, sounding horrified.)

Me: “I don’t even have an email!”

(He hung up. I wonder why.)