Exclusive To One Person Gets You Excluded

, , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I answer the phone over the lunch break at work. The CFL is the Canadian Football League.)

Customer: “Hi, I want to talk to the lady I talked to before about the CFL.”

Me: “I’m afraid it wasn’t me, but do you have the name of the person who was helping you?”

Customer: *snapping at me* “I don’t keep track of names!”

Me: “Okay, did you call earlier today?”

Customer: “No. It was like a month ago or something. Just find her for me.”

Me: “If it was that long ago, I really don’t know who that might be.”

Customer: “Well, just ask around!”

(I put him on hold and ask my coworkers at the desk. None of them remember talking to him.)

Me: “No one I spoke to seems to be the lady who you spoke with before.”

Customer: “Did you ask everyone?”

Me: “Well, sir, we have around thirty staff members. I don’t know which one might have spoken to you.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you’re like a big company then. Are they all there today?”

Me: “No. There are only about ten here today, and it’s lunch time, so there are only about five people available.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, my name is [Name] and my phone number is [number]. I want to talk to her about ordering a CFL playbook.”

Me: “Oh, all right. Could I possibly help you with that?”

Customer: “NO! I only want to talk to her!”

Me: “…All right, then. I’ll post a note with your contact information. Have a nice day.”

(The note is currently still sitting there, untouched.)

Some People Go Dull Quicker Than Knives

, , , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I am working on family day when I have a customer come in.)

Customer: “I want a knife that never goes dull.”

Me: “That’s impossible.”

Customer: “Why is it impossible?”

Me: “Because after about 6,000 cuts, which is about six or seven months of using a kitchen knife, it starts to go dull, because the cutting board starts to dull the knife.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I had a kitchen knife that never went dull! You’re just selling us cheap, dollar-store brand knives.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are representing knives that have been around for hundreds of years. These companies have won many innovation awards, and are most commonly used by chefs who work in the culinary industry. Do you mind asking me what happened to your knife that never went dull?”

Customer: “It stopped cutting things after about a year, so I threw it out.”

Me: “…that’s because it went dull.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid; knives don’t go dull!”

(After about ten more minutes of explaining why eventually all knives go dull, she felt the need to call my district manager, who told her the same thing I did. Needless to say, she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.)

Parental Attachment

, , , , , , , | Related | September 22, 2017

Hopping online one day, I notice I have a message with an attachment, and open it. What is enclosed is adult imagery. This alone catches me off guard, enough to stop and wonder what is going on.

That’s when my mother, who is on the phone with my grandmother, looks at my computer and shouts, “ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN?!”

Instantly I can hear my grandmother laughing through the speaker, and I have to explain the situation. After that my mother explains everything to my grandmother, who can’t stop laughing.

Provide Assurance Before Insurance

, , , , , | Working | September 22, 2017

It was near month end when a lot of car insurances were coming due. Near closing time, a young man came in with that tell-tale look of desperation and panic that just told us something was up.

He came to the counter and I was to serve him. He blurted out, “My insurance is due tonight, and I don’t have the right paperwork, and I don’t get paid until tomorrow, and I think I may owe money for some fines, and I don’t know what to do!!”

I calmly took his papers, looked at them and then to him, and said “Okay, first thing we do is PANIC!” I took a beat, held eye contact, then said, “Okay, good. Nailed it. Now we just need to figure out how to make this work for you.”

I don’t think he exhaled the whole time.

His Innuendo Sucks

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2017

(I am working self-checkout at the time of this order. An older gentleman, probably around his early 80s, is having difficulty putting the cash into the bill slot, so I walk over to help him.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you need any help with that?”

Customer: “Yes, I just can’t figure out where to put my money.”

(I hold my hand out for the money and put it in for him. The machines take the money very quickly, so I make a seemingly innocent comment as joke.)

Me: “Well, that certainly sucked it back very quickly, didn’t it?”

Customer: “Yeah, just like my wife!”

(I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him to have a good day and walked back to my till.)

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