Can’t Clean Your Hands Of This Crime

, , , , , , | Working | December 13, 2017

(We have someone come in once a week to clean our house. She is, in a word, amazing; our house looks fantastic, and she always goes that extra mile to make it look even better. When a friend tells me that she is looking for a cleaner, I gladly recommend my cleaner. A few weeks later, my friend phones me.)

Friend: “This is a little awkward, but… have you noticed any money missing from your house?”

Me: “No. Oh, wait a second. [Eight-Year-Old Daughter] said that she can’t find some money that she’s been saving. She’s kind of careless, so I assumed she’d just misplaced it. Why do you ask?”

Friend: “I keep noticing small amounts missing, say, $5 or $10, and it’s always after [Cleaner] has been here.”

Me: “Oh, dear! I hope I didn’t let a thief into your house!”

Friend: “Tell you what: my husband has tomorrow off, and [Cleaner] is coming to clean. I’m going to deliberately leave $10 lying under a chair, and he’ll see what she does.”

Me: “Okay. Keep me posted.”

(The next day…)

Friend: “Well, she tried to steal the $10. She picked it up and put it in her pocket, and when my husband confronted her, she pretended that it was hers. We fired her on the spot.”

Me: “Guess I’ll have to do the same. Ugh. I’m so sorry about this!”

(I phone our cleaner.)

Me: “My friend told me what happened at her house. My little girl’s money is missing as well. Did you steal it?”

Cleaner: “What? No! Of course not! I would never do such a thing to a child!”

Me: “I’m thinking seriously about phoning the police.”

Cleaner: “NO! You don’t need to do that. Listen… I’m completely innocent, but just to show good faith, I’ll return… um, I mean give you half of the missing money. That’ll be $65. How’s that sound?”

Me: “I don’t remember telling you how much was missing.”

Cleaner: “…”

Me: “Forget it. You’re fired.”

(We changed our locks, of course, and I gave my daughter her money back out of my own pocket. To this day, I still miss my cleaner. She was such an awesome cleaner, and if she’d only taken money from ME, I might have turned a blind eye to her stealing.)

Making Money From The Books

, , , , , , | Learning | December 13, 2017

(My professor has asked for the class’s opinions of the textbooks we read from this semester. Most people weren’t fans of [Book #1]. Note that students typically sell their books in an informal used book exchange at the end of the semester.)

Student #1: “[Book #1] was a bit dry.”

Student #2: “And the chapters dragged on. It could have been more concise in getting to its point.”

Student #3: “Yeah, it wasn’t difficult to read, just time consuming.”

Student #4: “I’d prefer if we’d only had to read [Book #2].”

Student #5: “But please use [Book #1] again next year so that we can sell our copies to the next class!”

(The class laughed.)

You Need To Be Sitting In A Comfortable Chair For This One

, , , , | Right | December 13, 2017

You Need Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you have [chair]?” *he then lists of the product code rather quickly before I even have a chance to realize what he’s saying* “—and it’s $375.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry; I’ll have to look it up. What chair was it?”

(I get a pen and am ready this time when he gives me the item number. After I look it up, I go back to the phone.)

Me: “We have it on our website, but we don’t have it in store. You’d have to order from home online, or we have a computer in our store where you can do it.”

Caller: “Yeah, is that chair comfortable?”

Me: “Um, I don’t know, it depends on the person, really. I’ve never sat in it, so I can’t tell you.”

Caller: “How do I buy it from your store?”

Me: “We have a self-serve computer you can order it from. You need to use a credit card or a Visa debit, though.”

Caller: “What’s a Visa debit?”

Me: “It’s just a debit card that lets you use it as a credit card if you need to. Most people have them these days.”

Caller: “So, can I order it, then?”

Me: “Sure, you can, but you’d have to come into the store, or you’d have to do it yourself from home.”

Caller: “Can I get a black one?”

Me: “Well, the item number you gave me was for a brown chair. I can look it up.” *I check and it only comes in brown* “Sorry, that style only comes in brown.”

Caller: “But I’m looking at a black one.”

Me: “On our website?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “Because I searched the model, and it only came up with a brown one.”

Caller: “I want a black one.”

Me: “Are you looking at it on your computer right now? And the description says black?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you on [Website].com or [Website].ca?”

Caller: “[Website].com.”

Me: “That’s the American site, and that might be why it’s in black.”

Caller: “That’s okay; just order it from the States for me.”

Me: “I can’t. And you wouldn’t want to order from our American site, anyway, because it would end up costing more; plus you’d probably have to pay duties on it.”

Customer: “So, can I just tell them I want a black one?”

Me: “No, you can only order what’s on our site, and on our site, we only have it in brown.”

Caller: “Do you have any black chairs in your store?”

Me: “Yes, we have lots of black chairs.”

Caller: “Are they more expensive than this one?”

Me: “Um, there might be a few…” *at this point I’m trying to figure out how to get him off the phone because it’s been almost ten minutes* “But you’d have to come into the store to look at them.”

Caller: “No, no, I can’t come to the store. Just order me the black one. The one from the American site.”

Me: “I can’t; we’re not really connected.”

Caller: “Well, I’m on the Canadian site now, and it’s in black.”

Me: “Okay; order it from there, then.”

Caller:  “Right now?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “How?”

Me: “Click, ‘Add to cart.'”

Caller: “How do you spell that?”

Me: “Don’t type it; click it. Click the button that says, ‘Add to cart.'”

Caller: “Oh, okay. I got you. Thanks!”

If You’re Feeling Guilty, Then That’s On You

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

Me: “And would you like to donate to [Local Charity]?”

Customer: “No. Would you like to donate to my wife and me?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “There, now we’re even. You know, I can’t believe they would make you go through this. It’s not fair that they make you ask for donations.”

Me: *shrugging* “I don’t care if people say no.”

Customer: “Well, then, look at it from my perspective. I’m just trying to buy things that I need, and now you’re soliciting to me!”

Me: “I don’t think it’s a big deal to say no to people, either. It’s just their job to ask, and you shouldn’t have to donate if you don’t want to, and you shouldn’t feel bad for saying no. It’s not a big deal; most people say no.”

Customer: “Well! I guess I’m just old-fashioned.”

Will Have To Reorient Your Understanding On Lifestyle

, , | Healthy | December 12, 2017

(My husband is an RNA, and the doctor asks him to explain the procedure going forward to a patient who is experiencing symptoms relating to diet and lack of exercise.)

Husband: “So, the doctor has told you that many of your symptoms are related to diet and lack of exercise. I’m going to go over some programs you can take advantage of to help change your lifestyle.”

Patient: *startled* “I have to change my lifestyle?!”

Husband: “Yes, your going to have to change it completely if you want to start feeling better. I have some brochures here for the various programs we are going to offer to get you signed up for. They all offer professionals in various fields who can help you learn how to incorporate these changes into your routine so they became a natural part of your life.”

Patient: *getting up, trying to gather her jacket and purse to leave, while shaking and clearly outraged* “I can’t believe you are asking me to join these programs! I always told my husband he was being silly, no one was trying to change lifestyles and that he was just wrong, but he’s right! I can’t believe this is happening. The news is going to hear about this!”

(Then she stormed out. My poor confused husband told the doctor what happened, and the doctor called the patient later in the day to try to find out what set her off. It turned out she didn’t understand that the doctor’s office was trying to set her up with a dietician, a charity-supervised walking group, a swim aerobics class, and publicly-offered healthy cooking classes. She legitimately thought that the ‘professional services’ would help her seamlessly change her ‘lifestyle’ to gay!)

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