Where I am, the law states that stores can only sell beer and wine up until 11:00 pm, and the registers will refuse all sales at 11:00 on the dot — they won’t even scan at that point until 8:00 am — and at 9:00 we lock the door so people can only be buzzed in or out. One night, at 10:50, two guys come in, of age, asking about what beer is on sale.

Me: “We have [lists brands], but you have less than nine minutes to get it to the register; otherwise, I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

The customer is clearly not listening. I go about my business tidying things up and doing my job. I see it’s now 10:55. They’re still looking at different beers, picking up the cases, looking at the prices, discussing, just taking their time, so I go into the beer fridge.

Me: “Hey, guys, if you want beer, you have to grab it now and come to the register. At 11:00 exactly, the registers don’t allow any sale of alcohol; it’s out of my control.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah.”

Customer #2: “Hey, man, we’re deciding; just give us a minute.”

As they say this, other customers come in for random snacks, soda, cigarettes, etc., and I vaguely forget why the original two customers are in. They finally decide on a case after another five minutes, and when they come to the register, there are three people ahead of them. I see this, and when finishing with the first customer I let them know:

Me: “Hey, guys, I can’t sell you that. Please either put it back or put it down, and you can buy anything else, but both legally and literally, I cannot sell that to you until 8:00 am tomorrow.”

They don’t respond and just roll their eyes. They finally make it to the cash, and I’m hoping (incorrectly) that it’ll be easy.

Customer #1: “Hey! So, just this, and two packs of cigarettes!”

Me: “Two packs of cigarettes coming right up!” 

As I say this, I grab the case of beer, put it on the floor behind the register, and turn to grab what they asked for.

Customer #2: “Hey, man, that’s not funny. Give us our beer.”

Me: “I told you multiple times and was nice enough to warn you when you had five minutes. You’re well past the cut-off point of buying beer.”

Customer #1: “You didn’t say s***, you f****** a**hole! You’re gonna give us our beer for free now for this or I’m going to jump over that counter and f****** kill you.”

I’m used to angry people by now, so the second he got belligerent I hit the silent alarm, and the police station is literally across the street, so within seconds I can see three officers walk out the front steps and cross the street, headed straight for our door.

Me: “Our cameras record sound, too. And kudos to you if you can reach me before they reach you.”

I pointed to the officers moving very quickly towards us. It very quickly turned into the most bizarre cat-and-mouse game inside the store I’ve ever seen, with one of the idiots trying to run full speed, arms outstretched, into a pull door laughing, thinking he was making it home free.

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(Just after high school, I was diagnosed with oral cancer. Thankfully, I recovered, but due to chances of remission, I remained out of school and ended up as head waitress at a local fish and chip place. Two men are regulars at the restaurant. They always complain and tip next to nothing. Consistently, they insult my job and tell me I should be educated and do more with life. I set two plates of their usual order down and greet them.)

Customer #1: “Why are the fish pieces always smaller and smaller each time we come in?”

Me: “Sir, all our fish is measured by weight, and the senior portion has always remained the same.”

Customer #2: *rudely points at the opposite table of a younger couple* “Then why are their pieces so much bigger?!”

Me: “You two order the senior discount, and less batter. If you’d like to upgrade, let me know!” *turns to get their condiments*

Customer #2: “Hey! You didn’t grab the tartar sauce!”

(I motion to the tartar I’m about to grab as I’m not halfway across the store, not too far away to hear the other man grumble.)

Customer #1: “Maybe if she spent more time in school and less time working for these d*** Asians she’d have a better memory.”

(The rest of the meal they groan and complain, being rude and disrespectful. Finally, they approach the table to pay.)

Customer #1: “How come you’re not in school? Shouldn’t you be doing something with your life?”

(This has to be about the tenth time this man has asked me this and usually I politely shrug it off.)

Customer #2: “You’re wasting your life, I tell you! When you’re old you’ll regret that you only amounted to serving for some [Asian slur]s!”

(I’ve finally had enough and I snap.)

Me: “No. The owners are not ‘[slurs]’ and your racial slurs are not welcome. They are good people who helped me in a bad time. I graduated with over a 96% average and fully intend to go back to school when I’m ready to get back into action. However, having any job is a good job. I cannot apply when I am in remission as the cancer I had when I was 18 may very well just come back, and I am still recovering and in pain! If you assume things and use racial slurs, you are the uneducated ones. Now, will that be all?”

(At a loss for words, the two apologized under their breath, leaving behind nearly a $20 tip on a ten-dollar meal. They have been nothing but pleasant ever since. My boss, who heard the whole thing, gave me a smile and thumbs-up. Made my day!)

(I work for a company that has only one sale a year, both in our stores and on our website. The sale is treated by many as a very big deal. I’ve been on the phone with a customer for almost half an hour as she complained that the website was slow — because so many people were on it — some items sold out before she could get them, and not everything she wanted was covered by the sale. Annoying, but at least true, until…)

Customer: “And another thing! Why does the sale start for the people on the West Coast before it does for people in Ontario?! That’s not fair! It should start at the same time for everyone!”

Me: “It does, ma’am.”

Customer: “It does not! I’m looking at your website and it says 6:00 am Pacific time, 9:00 am Eastern time! People in Toronto should get a chance to buy stuff at 6:00 am, too!”

Me: “Ma’am, 6:00 am Pacific time is 9:00 am Eastern time.”

Customer: “You’re trying to claim six is the same as nine? What do you think I am, stupid?!”

Me: “We’re in different time zones. If you’re in Toronto, it’s now five o’clock, right?”

Customer: “Of course, it is!”

Me: “Right, well, I’m in Vancouver and it’s 2:00 pm here right now.”

Customer: “I know that; I’m not an idiot! I don’t see what that has to do with why people in BC get to start on the sale earlier than the rest of us!”

Me: “But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. The sale only started at one time. It’s just that that time was 6:00 am for us, and 9:00 am for you, just like right now it’s 2:00 pm for us and 5:00 pm for you.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re lying to me like this! This is f****** ridiculous! I want to talk to your manager, right now!”

(I dutifully got her my supervisor, who spent the next fifteen minutes trying futilely to explain to a grown woman how time zones work. The customer finally hung up, still calling us liars.)

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 16
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 15
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 14
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 13
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 12

(I am a hostess at a busy restaurant. We only take reservations for a private room that can be booked with the front desk. The customer calling in question speaks perfect English.)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you this evening?”

Customer: “I’d like to book the private room for [date] for twelve people.”

Me: “Of course, just let me check our reservations calendar to see if that day and time is available.”

Customer: “I’d like to book it.”

(I check our calendar and see that the day in question is fully booked all evening.)

Me: “Unfortunately, that evening is fully booked. Is there another time I can check for you?”

Customer: “No, I’ll just book it for [same date], at dinner.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that evening is actually unavailable. Is there another day you would prefer?”

Customer: “No, I want that day. Book it for 7:00 pm, twelve people.”

Me: “Ma’am, [date] is unavailable. Is there another day I can book for you?”

Customer: “Put it under [Customer]. It’s for a birthday party.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but I cannot book you during another reservation. Perhaps you can have the party the day before or after? I would be happy to check our availability for you.”

Customer: *clearly agitated* “I don’t understand. Why aren’t you booking [date] for me? Why can’t I book it?!”

Me: “The room is already booked. We cannot book two parties at the same time.”

Customer: “So, I can’t book it?”

Me: “Not for the day that you would like, no.”

Customer: *pause* “I can’t book it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

(This goes on for a few minutes. Eventually, the customer seems to understand that she is unable to book the room for her requested date.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with this evening?”

Customer: “Yeah. I have another event I’m hosting. I don’t know for how many people or what time, but it might be next week. Can I book that?”

(Shockingly, I was unable to make the reservation, and as far as I know, she didn’t call back!)

I witnessed this on TV over 30 years ago. It was the time where taxes on cigarettes in Quebec got very high. There were a lot of robberies of convenience stores, and they were stealing only cigarettes. Then, in the news, they showed a video of a robbery captured on security camera footage. A group of guys broke into a convenience store carrying a large trashcan, and while two of them grabbed all the cigarettes they could and put them in the trashcan, one, all smiling with a face saying, “D***! I’m so smart!” approached the camera with a pair of snippers and cut the video wire.

Apparently, Mr. Genius thought that cutting the wire would “erase” everything. Of course, they never took the videotape out. Police caught them a few days later.

During the same period, I was working as a service rep for a copier company. I got a call because there had been a break-in at a customer’s convenience store and the copier was damaged. It turned out that glass shards from the front door had fallen into the copier when the cigarette robbers broke in. Their location was slightly remote.

The police were still there when I arrived.

I asked the manager if he had them on a security camera.

He said, “Actually, it’s our third break-in. They figured out the schedule of the police rounds and hit when they were the farthest from here. The first two times, they managed to break into the office and grab the cassette. But not this time. We secured the VTR and jammed the cassette in. The police are looking at the footage as we speak. Smiling.”