Those Who Teach, Can’t

, , , , | Learning | October 3, 2017

(I am in a concurrent education program, and I am about to start my last year at the school. As we are all excited for the upcoming teachers college program, I see a lot of new status updates about it. One catches my eye:)

Friend: “Tomorrow will be the last first day of school, ever, for me. I am so thankful to have made it this far, and so excited for what comes next. #teacherscollege”

Me: “You do realize that, as teachers, we are going to have many more first days of school to come; don’t you?”

(She quickly deleted the post.)

He Wants No Treble

, , , | Working | October 3, 2017

([Coworker #1] is a Christian fellow who is always quiet and not at all into popular music. Our group is working on a technical problem. We need to establish the baseline signal for something and the lower we can get it, the better.)

Coworker #1: *after some thought, musing out loud* “So, really, it’s all about the baseline.”

([Coworker #2] and I start to crack up.)

Coworker #1: *embarrassed, and without meaning to escalate* “No; what I mean is, how low can we go?”

([Coworker #2] and I break out laughing.)

My Partner Is Not So Smart (Phone)

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 3, 2017

(I have just gotten a new cellphone, and am entering numbers into it.)

Girlfriend: “You should put your number in there, in case you lose it!”

Me: “Good idea!” *I start to add a new number, then stop.* “Wait… how would that help me?”

Girlfriend: “Well, if you left your phone here, I could call you!”

Me: “But if I put the number into my phone… and you have my phone… how will you call me?”

Girlfriend: “By calling your number!”

Me: “But if you’re calling my phone, and you HAVE MY PHONE…”

(We went back and forth a couple more times before she realized that putting my cell number in my cell wouldn’t be as useful as she first thought.)

Lettuce In For Some Puns

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2017

(I’m shopping in the produce department of a local supermarket. One of the clerks is busy restocking the iceberg lettuce. Just as another customer is squeezing past, one of the lettuces falls off the cart and tumbles across the floor.)

Customer: “Heads will roll!”

Seriously Injuring Your Grade

, , , , , | Learning | October 2, 2017

(It is the last day of exams. I am crossing the parking lot, when a car comes speeding into the lot and hits me, but they drive off before I can get their licence. They injure my arm and leg, and I am immobile. There is no one around, since I am already almost late for my exam. I see a different car come into the lot, at reasonable speed, and park.)

Me: “HEY, DUDE! HELP ME!”

Guy: “I’M LATE!”

Me: “WHAT THE F***?! I AM BLEEDING AND HURT! HELP ME!”

Guy: “I’M ALREADY LATE FOR [Professor who is also my uncle]’S EXAM!”

Me: “WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IF YOU TELL THE PROFESSOR YOU HELPED AN INJURED GIRL HE WON’T MIND!”

Guy: “SORRY!”

(He runs into the school. Luckily, some security guard sees my struggle on the security camera and comes to my aid. After winter break, I visit my uncle’s class to give a lecture, since I am getting a Master’s in his subject of study. The guy who was so worried about being late comes into class, with a minute before the class starts, and I decide to improvise my opening a bit.)

Me: “Let me tell you all a story on humanity before we jump into [subject]. The last day of final exams, I got hit by a car.” *cue gasps* “A guy came into the parking lot, saw me bleeding, and decided his final exam was more important than helping me. Let me tell you: school may be important, but it is not the only thing! Let’s say a professor failed you because you didn’t show up. You’ll have me as a witness, there’s cameras everywhere, and hospital bills to prove the severity. No reasonable professor, especially this professor, will fail you when you have this much proof to prove your point. Especially when the injured person is his only niece.”

(I look the guy who abandoned me right in the eyes. His face is red and he is squirming, because he knows I am talking about him. I walk right up to his desk and put my hand on his desk.)

Me: “Understand? I hope you’re never alone and injured, because with your karma you’d be dead in minutes.”

(I let that simmer in the air and then…)

Me: *cheerily* “Now, back on topic here!”

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