Miss Universe Hotline

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bizarre

(I’m wrapping up a sales call with a customer, and I ask the usual question:)

Me: “Is there anything else I could get for you today?”

Customer: “A better world…”


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Are You Talking About?

, | Birmingham, England, UK | Language & Words

(A user wanted a simple password change on their account.)

Me: “Right, I have changed your password to the word ‘RED.’”

User: “Red?”

Me: “Yes. Romeo. Echo. Delta.”

User: “Hang on, I get to the ‘h’ in Echo and it won’t let me enter any more characters.”

Me: “I am using the phonetic alphabet to spell out red to you.”

User: “So what do I put now?”

Me: “Just put the colour red.”

User: ‘The colour red’ doesn’t work.”

Me: “Just type the word red. R-E-D.”

User: “I’m in now. You should have just said that instead of Echo Delta Colours! Thanks!”


Adobe Photo-Flop

, | Birmingham, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Popular, Technology

(A user calls up as they do not know how to use Photoshop, despite being offered training originally.)

User: “This program is stupid. Why do I need all these buttons and functions?”

Me: “The program is a piece of professional software that is very high end, used for magazines and movie posters.”

User: “I just want to resize my dolphin photos!”

Me: “Well, first, you will need to open the photo concerned, then go to—“

User: “I haven’t got time for that! I just want these dolphin photos resized!”

Me: “You were offered training on this software when it was purchased.”

User: “I don’t have time to sit around doing training! I just want the software to do what I want it to do without clicking all of these buttons!”

Me: “I can talk you through the steps. Do you need to get a pen to write this down?”

User: “No. I am not messing around with this software any more! I have work to do! You ring Adobe and tell them I want this changed NOW.”

Me: “You want me to call Adobe and tell them to change their multi million dollar software because you don’t like it?”

User: “Yes! Let me know when they’ve done it!”

(The user hung up and I was left speechless. The user also chased it up to see if I had contacted them and if they had carried out the changes.)


Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 30

| Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work in tech support for an Internet company, taking calls for installers that are having issues with the install. The following is a call I receive.)

Me: “What kind of issue are you having?”

Caller: “I am not able to get on the Internet.”

Me: “Okay, let me take a look.”

(I pause a moment to confirm the modem is provisioning.)

Me: “The modem is provisioned correctly. Have you checked your IP address?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Do you know how to check for the IP?”

Caller: “Negative.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. What operating system are you using?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Vista, 7, XP?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Okay, what does your start button look like? Round with the Windows logo in the center?”

Caller: “You mean the circle with the rainbow looking thing in the center?”


Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 29

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 28

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 27


An Alarming Lack Of Alarming

| USA | Criminal & Illegal, Popular, Technology

(I work at an alarm management company monitoring home alarms. Normally when an intrusion or motion sensor alarm triggers, we call the house first in case it is the owner. They generally give us their passcode and we cancel the alarm. In this scenario, a motion sensor alarm comes up and I call the home.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Security Company]. Am I speaking with [Owner]?”

Phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Owner], if you can just verify the passcode for your account, I’ll be glad to disable the alarm for you.”

Phone: “I don’t have an alarm.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Phone: “I don’t have an alarm system. Whatever you’re seeing is wrong. Cancel the alarm; it’s not at my house.”

(I obviously think that this is bizarre so I call the secondary number, the owner’s work phone.)

Me: “This is [Name] with [Security Company]. Am I speaking with [Owner]?”

Owner: “Yes, that’s me.”

Me: “We didn’t just speak on your home line, did we?”

Owner: “No? Is something wrong?”

Me: “I thought not. Can I get your passcode for [Security Company]?”

Owner: “[Code].”

Me: “Somebody answered your home phone and claimed you did not have an alarm system. I have already dispatched the police to your home.”

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