Part of my job is to confirm details of winners that ring up to claim prizes. It’s a nice part of the job, but you do come across a few idiots.

I’ve not long ended a call from someone who hadn’t won — hadn’t in fact entered this month’s competition at all. But because he had played “so many games” in the past, we should just give him the prize.

It was a far longer conversation than it needed to be, and I was looking forward to making someone happy instead of angry.

On the next phone call, I go through the script, confirm his details, and… we have a winner!

Me: “Congratulations, I can confirm you are this month’s first prize winner. Before we move on to delivery details, did you have any questions?”

Caller: “What did I win?”

I’m sure I’ve explained this at least twice; in fact, the competition is named (as always) after the main prize. But people react differently, so I’m happy to explain, again.

Me: “Of course! It’s a [Model] jetski. It’s top of the line and comes fully fueled and in a racing red.”

Caller: “What else you got?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Well, I don’t live anywhere near the sea. Why would I want a jetski?”

Me: “We don’t offer alternatives, I’m afraid. The jetski is waiting to be sent to you.”

Caller: “Nah, what’s the second prize?”

Me: “You didn’t win the second prize, so I can’t offer it to you.”

Caller: “Why not?”

I wanted to tell him, “Because you didn’t win it!” or, “Because you don’t pick and choose your prize,” or even, “Because the other person could have already claimed theirs.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the prizes are non-transferable. Do you still want the jetski?”

Caller: “I guess so, but I’m just going to sell it.”

Me: “I completely understand, but I’m afraid that is the competition you entered.”

He grumbled and accepted his fate. I understand if we had swapped the prize at the last moment, but this was a competition to win a jetski!

We send out mechanics for various jobs for people who have a contract with us. I get an irate woman on the line.

Caller: “First, when he came, he only said, ‘Hello,’ and not, ‘Good morning.’ That was very rude of him. And he barely wiped his shoes on the mat! And he just stood around for fifteen minutes and then left! He just left! Didn’t do a thing!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me check with our mechanic what happened.”

I check the lady’s file first. Most of the time, mechanics leave a note if something went wrong. My jaw drops.

Note: “Lady demanded I wear plastic covers over my shoes to not ruin her flooring. Can’t do that, because of OSHA (ARBO in the Netherlands). Finally convinced her to let me in, and she demanded I wipe my shoes on the mat for several minutes. When I asked her where the [defect] was, she brought me to her son’s room. Son, late teens, was still in bed. I told the lady I couldn’t work if her son was still in bed. She told me that if I could get him out, it would be a first. I asked the son twice to leave the room. He wouldn’t come out of bed. Couldn’t do my job and left.”

I return to the woman.

Me: “Thank you for holding. The mechanic told me he couldn’t get to work… because your son was still in bed?”

Caller: “What? You know how teenagers are! You were one, as well!”

Me: “Still, our mechanic can’t work safely if your son is sleeping at the spot he needs to work at.”

Caller: “Why not? Whenever I enter my son’s room to vacuum, I can do so with him in bed, so why can’t he?”

I hold my tongue, but I want to say so much.

Me: “Because OSHA forbids him, ma’am.”

Caller: “Well, those OSHA gramps probably never had teenage sons!”

We are a small team with only one supervisor. The rules are very vague regarding what we should do if a supervisor is away (meeting or sick) when a customer demands to talk with one. Therefore, we usually just make a temporary supervisor on the spot one is needed.

A customer calls because they have gotten two payment reminders with an extra fee on both on top of their invoice for the order. The payment is about one month late. They are speaking to a coworker.

Caller: “I want you to take both fees off.”

Coworker: “I can only offer to take one off, if you can pay right away.”

The customer isn’t happy and after some arguing asks to talk with a supervisor. One of our slightly older and “I don’t care” coworkers takes the call.

Older Coworker: “I will not waive the fees, and you should pay both.”

Caller: “I want to talk to the first person again. She could waive one of the fees.”

Our pretend supervisor then answers:

Older Coworker: “Yes, but you asked to talk with a supervisor, and I’m not allowing those fees to be waived.”

It might be petty, but both of them agreed that it felt good to throw this back at the customer after that long call.

I work in a call centre. A customer calls me and I have to go through standard security before accessing the customer.

Customer: “How do I know who you are? You are asking for this information and I don’t know you!”

Me: “These are standard security questions that were set up during the account. And you called me.”

Customer: “You could be anyone! You don’t just ask people these sorts of questions!”

I cut off the rant.

Me: “As I said, these are standard security questions that we ask every customer, and you called us.”

Customer: “It’s a scam! I’m going to report you to the FCA [Financial Conduct Authority]! I’m a solicitor, young man, so you must understand that I know the law!”

Me: “Then you would know about the Data Protection Act, which prevents us from revealing sensitive information to people who can’t pass security.”

The customer loses it.

Customer: “I’m having lunch with your chairman, and I will have your job! Now, if you don’t want to be fired, give me what I need!”

Me: “I can, as long as you pass security.”

At this point, I know the customer is going to swear. Three swear words, and as long as I signpost it, I can terminate the call.

Customer: “YOU LITTLE C***!”

Me: “Please don’t swear; otherwise, I have to terminate the call.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do, you b*****d! I will have your f****** job for this. Do you know who I am?! I pay your wages! I earn more in an hour than you do in a day, you f******—”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m going to terminate this call due to foul language.”

I ended the call and fully noted the account.

I worked for a shoe company and in the team that took inbound USA calls. The USA customers were… different. 

A frequent misunderstanding was the Buy one get one free offer. For example, a customer may return their free item for a replacement, one customer did this twice one the same order. Unfortunately, they did not call before returning it and we were out of stock.

Caller: “This is terrible; just issue me a refund!”

Me: “I apologise, as this is a free item, there is no money to refund. We can offer you a different shoe as a replacement, there may be a slight charge.”

Caller: *Now irate.* “I have lost money! This is unacceptable; I want a manager. I have been violated!”

Me: “I can certainly do that, but if I may say you will still be receiving a good discount and the bought pair of shoe had already been discounted as well.”

Hence, several minutes of raging till they begrudgingly paid $12 different for the replacement they wanted.

After she hung up, I had to take a minute to realise during all the crisis the in the world with people dying, someone had the gall to bead over shoes and to actually use the word “violated!”