This Call Makes Up The Numbers

| England, UK | Extra Stupid

(We are a small office. If all of us are on the phone, and calls can take a long time to handle, the phone system encourages callers to leave a phone message so we can get back to them as quickly as possible.)

Caller: *answers phone message to us* “I am calling to complain! This is absolutely appalling service. You should answer the phone when I am trying to call you. If you’ve got someone on the line, why don’t you hang up on them if I want to call you? My call surely would be more important than theirs! I demand you hang up on whoever you are talking to at the moment and call me back immediately! My number is…”

(There is a long pause.)

Caller: “Oh, s***. I can’t remember my own number.”

Taking The Hi Road

| TX, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

(It’s been an unusually busy day, and my coworkers and I have been taking calls back to back for several hours.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [name of business]. This is [my name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

(I wait a few seconds for her to tell me what she needs, but she remains silent.)

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

Me: “Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

(I’m starting to think this is a prank call or the person is not all there.)

Me: “Well, if there’s nothing I can help you with, I’m going to have to—”

Caller: “It must take a lot of effort if you won’t even say ‘Hi’.”

Me: “…Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

Me: “Hi.”

Caller: “It took way too much work for you to just say ‘Hi’ to me. I don’t want you to help me! Transfer me to someone else!”

(She had probably waited at least 10 minutes before reaching me, and would have to wait at least 10 more minutes to speak to someone else. She was fine with that!)

Se Habla Anguish

| USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

(I work on the Spanish-speaking line at a call center. After 3 minutes of conversation in Spanish with a caller…)

Caller: “Thanks for the help, but can I give you some constructive criticism?”

Me: “I welcome it.”

Caller: “Next time I call the Spanish line, I want to talk in Spanish. So, if you talk to me again, do it in Spanish!”

Me: “We’ve been talking in Spanish for four minutes.”

Caller: *in Spanish* “Don’t lie! I’m not speaking Spanish! You’re not speaking Spanish! Speak Spanish next time!”

Me: “Que le vaya bien.”

Freedom From Idiots Isn’t Free

| Washington, DC, USA | Money

(I work customer service for a website that has no fee to use it. It’s completely free.)

Me: “This is [company name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I signed up for your site, but I don’t want to pay for it!”

Me: “Well, sir, our site is completely free to use, so you don’t have to pay for it.”

Customer: “You say that, and then you’ll charge my credit card! The free is just a free trial, right? Then I have to pay! I don’t want you charging my card!”

Me: “Sir, there’s no place to enter your credit card number on our website.”

Customer: “I know! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Then how would we charge your card if we don’t have the information?”

Customer: “You’ll just do it! I know how things work!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I promise we won’t charge your credit card, which we don’t have, for anything.”

Customer: “Was that so hard? Jesus!” *hangs up*

Polly Want A Chromosome

, | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

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