Someone Needs To Treat Warhorse

| St. Cloud, MN, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals

(I work at a call center that does outbound fundraising. One of our clients is the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Department of Minnesota.)

Me: “Hello, this is [my name], calling for the ‘Veterans of Foreign Wars, Department of Minnesota’. Thanks for taking my call!”

Woman: “Wait, wait, did you say veterans?”

Me: “Yes, I was calling because—”

Woman: “I don’t need a veteran. I don’t even have any animals!”

(I can give her the benefit of the doubt for simply mixing up the words ‘veterans’ and ‘veterinarians’. But I have to wonder what she would have thought a veterinarian of foreign wars would be!)

If Cars Could Run On Stupidity

| ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Transportation

Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance; how may I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “Yes, I need you to get my car started; it won’t start.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, can you try to describe the problem to me?”

Elderly Lady: “Well my husband used to drive, but now he’s passed, so I have to drive again, and this stupid car won’t start.”

Me: “Alright, can you take the phone and go to the car. Try to start it, so I can listen?”

(The elderly lady starts grumbling as she goes to the garage.)

Elderly Lady: “So, I put the key in, and this happens.”

(The car tries to turn over, but nothing happens. I’m trying to figure out what it could be, and am about to dispatch a tow truck.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need to you turn the key just a little bit, and tell me if any lights come on.”

Elderly Lady: “One with a box and a squiggly line.”

Me: “Okay, I need to you look on the dashboard and find the letters E and F.”

(The elderly lady is very angry now, as we’ve been on the phone a while and she’s running late.)

Elderly Lady: “They are right beside the box with the squiggly part.”

Me: “Perfect, now where is the line pointing to?”

Elderly Lady: “The E. Why, what the h*** does that mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, and I can send help, but your car is out of gas. You need to put gas in the car.”

Elderly Lady: “You mean to tell me that I spent $50,000 on this car, and I still have to put gas in it?!”

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Not A Sound Reason For Calling

| Spokane, WA, USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [company] tech support. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yeah, my phone doesn’t make any sounds. It vibrates when someone calls, but it doesn’t ring or anything.”

Me: “Hmm… that is kind of strange. I know this is going to sound really obvious, and I apologize for that, but have you tried pressing the volume buttons on the side of the phone?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve done that but it doesn’t do anything. Here, I’ll show you…”

(I hear the sound of his phone beeping.)

Caller: “SON OF A B****!”

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Makes You Lose CTRL

| USA | Technology, Theme Of The Month

(My caller is having an issue with our website that I can’t replicate.)

Me:“Do you know how to create a screen shot and e-mail it to me? If not, I can walk you through it.”

Caller: “I have Windows 8. I could make a screen shot on my old computer, but you can’t make one on Windows 8.”

(As I use Windows 8 myself, I know this isn’t true.)

Me: “Let’s try and see if we can get it. Do you see the button on your keyboard that says ‘print scr’—”

Caller: “Honey, I worked as a tech for 10 years. If you want me to hit the Print Screen button, just say so. There!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I just wanted to make sure you knew where it was, but it sounds like you do. It’s actually alt and the print screen button.”

Caller: “Fine, now what?”

(I assume that she really does know a little about computers, considering the offense she took at my previous instructions. Not wanting to upset her, I decide to continue a bit faster.)

Me: “Okay, now you can paste that into an e-mail for me. Just let me know when you’re ready for my e-mail address.”

Caller: “I’m ready.”

(I give her my e-mail address, spelling it out.)

Me: “I’ll have a look at that screen shot as soon as I get your e-mail, and—”

Caller: “Well, it won’t do much good for you to get a blank e-mail, will it?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Caller: “You didn’t tell me what to do with the screen shot!”

Me: “Oh, you can just paste it into the e-mail.”

(I’m about to ask if she knows how to do that ‘on Windows 8’.)

Caller: “Well, I’m hitting CTRL+P, and it’s not working!”

Me: “Try CTRL+V instea—”

Caller: “Never mind! It’s right click, then paste on my computer. I sent it. Let me know when it’s fixed.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

(I never did get that e-mail, and had to call her back the next day to repeat the whole process again.)

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Cause For Pregnant Pause

| ON, Canada | Bizarre, Money

(A customer calls in, noticing that she hasn’t had any money taken from her account for her water heater rental for the last couple months.)

Me: “Okay, so let me look into your file. Hmm, seems you’ve not been set up on our new billing system. That’s probably the problem. Let me just grab your info from the old system to fix it. Wait, you’re not in there either.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “I don’t think you’ve been billed for this in a while. Yeah, here’s a note from 2007 saying you hadn’t been billed since September ’06. It seems as though they just closed it without actually fixing it. You haven’t been charged for seven years.”

Customer: “Wow.”

Me: “Now, unfortunately, we’re going to have to back-bill you for this—”

Customer: “Oh, God!”

Me: “…but luckily for you, we cap back-bills at one year. So, it won’t be a couple grand: it’ll just be about $300.”

Customer: “Oh, wow, that’s so much better. Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, did you just thank me for billing you $300?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s like one time when I was 14, and I’d just gotten my first piercing. I told my parents that I was pregnant, and by the time they figured out that I wasn’t, they were okay with any other news I could possibly have given them.”

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