I work in the Member Service Department in a call center. So, naturally, when a certain health crisis hits, my company immediately decides to move everyone who was able to work from home, including our entire department.

Cut to a couple of weeks later. My cat has gotten used to me being home all the time but not quite that I have to work and I am not there to pet and give her attention at all times. Today, I am finishing up a call with an older member. The call is difficult and I have been on the phone with her for about a half-hour now. I think I have managed to save the situation by being a model of professionalism. Then, this happens.

Me: “Once again, thank you for your patience, Mrs. [Caller], and for allowing me to assist you. Again, I apologize that this has occurred.”

Caller: *Still agitated* “I am still not very happy! But you at least sound like you know what you’re doing, so I believe you did everything you could.“

I heave a sigh of relief. My cat chooses this exact moment to jump onto my desk… and meow as loudly as she can into the mic.

Cat: “Mreow!”

Cue about five seconds of silence.

Caller: *Laughing* “Oh, my! Is that your cat? Oh, that is just the cutest! You’ve made my day! Oh, my.”

She is still laughing as she hangs up.

Cat: “Mreow?“

Me: “Really?“

It’s been almost two years now. She still interrupts my calls, but I have become much quicker at hitting the mute button.

I monitor calls for our agents to ensure quality is being met and customers are being assisted per company policies. I just finished monitoring a call where the agent placed an order for the customer. Our company name is nowhere close to Amazon, and we do not offer products on Amazon.

Customer: “I don’t understand why the shipping cost is included in my order. I have a Prime membership, and I should not be charged for shipping!”

Agent: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are speaking with [Company] and not Amazon.”

Customer: “I know that, but that does not answer my question. Why have you charged me shipping when I have a Prime membership?!”

Agent: “I’m sorry, but we are unable to use a Prime membership for our company as we are not Amazon. If you place an order with Amazon, if the items you purchase qualify, you should receive the benefit of free shipping.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I pay $200 a year for free shipping, and you can’t even offer that.”

Agent: “I’m so sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, Amazon only allows membership benefits through its website or app.”

Customer: “You’ll hear from my lawyer for false advertising!”

The customer then proceeded to hang up, and she emailed us later that night wanting to cancel the order she had placed.

During the mid-2000s when finances were tight, my mother and father took a second job with an outbound call center. Their job was to make sure customers had received a certain book with yellow-colored pages in the mail. On this particular day, my dad was calling California (where a certain Austrian-American actor and bodybuilder was governor at the time).

Dad: “Hello, my name is [Dad] with [Company], and I’m calling to make sure you’ve received your phone book from [Phone Book Company] recently.”

Older Lady: “I’m not sure. What does it look like?”

Dad: “It will have white and yellow pages, and on the cover is [Former “Tonight Show” Host].”

Older Lady: *Yelling* “H*** no! I didn’t vote for him last time, and I’m not voting for him next time, either!” *Click*

Caller: “You need to fix your webpage!”

Me: “What is the issue you’re having with the site, sir?”

Caller: “You need to make it more accessible!”

Me: “We have a range of accessibility options that—”

Caller: “Not everyone my age has the Internet! You need to make it so people can use your webpage without the Internet!”

Me: “You’d like us to make our website accessible without the Internet?”

Caller: “Yes! And make it like a book! And maybe send it out as a book?”

Me: “We have a catalog that we can—”

Caller: “You’re not listening! Tell your website people that the website needs to not be an Internet thing and it needs to be a book.”

Me: “…yes, sir.”

Caller: “You be sure to tell them!”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. I’ll be telling everyone.”

The company I work does not have dedicated account representatives. Period. They’re not reserved for a particular tier of customers, they’re not accessible only by management, they simply don’t exist. No one has that job title, and there is literally no one I can transfer you to who would fulfill that role.

Caller: *Already irate* “I want to speak to the representative who handles [Company]!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have dedicated account representatives. But if you describe what you need, I can help you.”

Caller: “No! I want to talk to the account representative who handles [Company]!”

Me: “Again, we do not have dedicated account representatives. Any representative who answers the phone can assist you. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “BY CONNECTING ME TO MY ACCOUNT REPRESENTATIVE! I ONLY WANT TO SPEAK TO MY ACCOUNT REPRESENTATIVE!”

Me: *Struggling to keep my customer service voice* “I can’t direct you to someone who doesn’t exist. Are you going to tell me what this is about?”

The caller screamed some things at me that I won’t repeat here as I disconnected the line.