How To Identify The Idiot

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Money

(I work at the call centre of a theater.)

Me: “Good morning. You are calling [Theater Name].”

Caller: “I got an email telling me that I’ve been charged for tickets that I didn’t buy! I want a refund! This is fraud! Someone did ‘identity theft’ to me!”

Me: “All right. Let me just see in the account. Can you tell me the email address?”

Caller: “It’s [email address].”

Me: “Okay. I do see that a purchase matches this email address. Are you Marc?”

Caller: “No! I want my money back. This is fraud!”

Me: “However, this seems to be the email of a garage. Do you own a garage? Maybe one of the employees is named Marc and could have used this email address when he made the purchase?”

Caller: “No this is fraud! I don’t have employees!”

Me: “Okay, maybe it’s one of your friends? Do you maybe know a ‘Marc’ living in Laval?”

Caller: “That’s the guy that stole my identity? Do you have his address? Give me his address! I’m gonna go f*** him up!”

Me: “I can’t do that sir. Even if you don’t know the person who made the purchase, sometimes people make mistakes while entering their email address when they make a purchase online. It happens all the time. Now I can verify that you have actually been charged—”

Caller: “This is bulls***! My identity was stolen. This is fraud! FRAUD! I’m calling the cops!”

(He hangs up. Twenty minutes later we get another call.)

Police: “Hi. This is [Name] from the police department. I’m here with a man that says he was victim of identity theft and fraud from your company?”

Me: “Actually, he got an email confirmation of a purchase made under someone else’s name. He hung up before I could verify if his credit card was actually charged.”

Police: “All right. Could you check this with him right now?”

Me: “Sure. Can I speak with him?”

Caller: “Yeah?”

Me: “Like I tried to tell you before you hung up, sir, I can verify if your credit card was actually charged. Could you give me your card number, please?”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!”

Me: “…”

Police: “I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” *click*

How To Cancel Death, Part 2

| Dallas, TX, USA | Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hello. I’m calling to cancel my service because, you see, my wife is no longer with us. I haven’t been able to get into the account for some months now because, of course, I didn’t have her info.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. I’m sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account.”

(In the background, I hear a woman’s voice.)

Woman: “Honey, where are the car keys!?”

Customer: “Shut up! You’re supposed to be dead!”

Woman: “WHAT!?” *click*

Related:
How To Cancel Death

Teaching Them To Be A Smart Cookie

| Wyoming, MI, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I am a supervisor in a call center for a large online accommodation site. I get an angry guest escalated to me because she is unhappy about something that has appeared on her screen while browsing our site.)

Me: “Hello. My name is [Name] and I’m a supervisor at [Site]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m am just calling to let you know that I am never using your site! Ever!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was just browsing hotels in California and porn popped up in a sidebar on your website!”

Me: “I’m sorry that happened, ma’am, but we have no control over that.”

Customer: “Well you better get control over it quick!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re misunderstanding me. The advertisements on the side of your screen are based on your previous browsing history.”

Customer: “I would never go on a site like that!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but I’m just trying to explain the technical aspect of how they work. Being that I work at [Site], I am on our site quite a bit and because of that, all the advertisements on the side are for [Site].”

Customer: “Oh. Well, what do I do?”

Me: “I can walk you through how to get rid of them if you’d like.”

(I walked the customer through how to delete her cookies in her browser and she calmed down. She was very grateful for my help and stated that she was going to have some investigating to do with her husband and kids!)