Wish You Could Firewall These Customers

, | St. Louis, MO, USA | Right | April 10, 2015

Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer is on fire. What should I do?”

Me: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling us? You should try to put it out!”

Customer: “It’s your fault, though! What are you going to do about my computer?”

Me: “Sir, I strongly advise you trying to put out the fire before we continue. There is nothing we can do about your computer being on fire.”

Customer: “Look here! I was following your instructions on the CD that came with the kit. It told me to install the ethernet adaptor. I opened my laptop, put the green card inside, put it back together, and now it’s on fire.”

Me: “Whoa! Wait, you said you got a green ethernet card, and you opened your laptop up and put it in there?”

Customer: “Yes! Now what are you going to do about my computer being on fire!”

Me: “Sir, the adaptor we sent you was for a desktop computer, not for a laptop. There is no way that the card supplied will work for your computer. We could have assisted you had you called in prior to you attempting to install the adaptor, when you could not find a place to plug it in. Instead you slammed it all together, and caused your own fire hazard. I strongly suggest that you call the fire department, or try to put out the fire yourself while the firefighters arrive. There is nothing that I can do to support you at this time.”

Customer: “But what is [ISP] going to do about my computer?!”

The Post Snail-Mail Generation

, | CA, USA | Working | April 9, 2015

(I work in a call center at a help desk for a bank, assisting representatives with problems and doing research. Often we get asked how systems work or how to find something. I’m in Colorado; the person calling is in California.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] help desk. This is [My Name]. How can I help today?”

Teller: “I’m trying to write a letter in Google but it’s not letting me.”

Me: “What do you mean, you’re trying to write a letter in Google?”

Teller: “I’m trying to write a letter to go with a check we’re returning to the client, but Google won’t let me do it.”

Me: “You need to use a word processor, not Google.”

Teller: “But I can type. Why won’t it let me write a letter?”

Me: “Let me just write that letter for you.”

Teller: “Then how will I get it? Will you drop it on my desk?”

Me: “I can email it to you.”

Teller: “Then how will the client get it?”

Me: “You can print it off and mail it to them with the check.”

Teller: “How do I mail a letter?”

(It just kept going like this for 10 minutes. Sadly, this is not the first or last time I’ve had to explain how to mail a letter.)

Utah Is Not Her Calling

| UT, USA | Right | March 31, 2015

(I used to work in a very different kind of call center. People who lived in California would call us in Utah to make an appointment for their doctors. But we weren’t allowed to tell them we were in Utah, so we had to act like we were actually in California, at the front desk of the doctor’s office.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to talk to the nurse right away!”

Me: “Okay, no problem, ma’am. I’m just going to need to open up your file real fast. Can I get your last name and birth date?”

Customer: “No. You’re in f***** Utah. I don’t want to give you s***. You’ll steal my identity.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am unable to transfer you over to your nurse unless I have your information.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *hangs up*

(About five minutes later I get the same lady again and go through the regular routine.)

Customer: “I’m going to call the police and the newspapers and let them know that you’re stealing our jobs!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re upset, ma’am. I can try to get you to a nurse, but that means I have to put you on hold”

Customer: “You’re going to go to jail because you stole our jobs! You will not put me on hold or I will press charges!”

(I tried to work with her more but she was not having it. She ended up just hanging up on me. I finally was able to open her file, because I guess I wasn’t the only person she threatened that day. She never called me back, but I later found out that she stormed into the doctor’s office and they ended up having to call the cops to escort her out.)

Learning A New Home Truth

| Perth, WA, Australia | Working | March 29, 2015

(My boss is notorious for giving conflicting information and changing her mind about things. It drives us all mad as we can’t figure out which way she’ll jump next. This client has called in at 4:55 pm and has been very argumentative, eventually asking for a manager.)

Me: “[Boss], this guy needs to speak to a manager. Can you take it?”

Boss: “No, it’s too late. Tell him I will call him back tomorrow.”

Me: “Okay.” *back to customer* “I’m sorry, the boss has gone home already. Can I get her to call you back tomorrow?”

(The guy is fine with this. We make a joke about it and he leaves a little happier than when he was complaining. However, the next day I get a very long email about how it was inappropriate for me to say that she had gone home and that it made her look unprofessional, etc. Fast forward three months later…)

Me: “[Boss], I’ve got a client demanding to speak to a manager.”

Boss: “Tell him I’ve gone home and I’ll call him back tomorrow.”

Me: “…”

(I think I need a new job!)

Radiating With Stupidity

| Estonia | Right | March 29, 2015

(An English-speaking client is trying to get some information about a guitar festival that is supposed to take place that day. He says his wife had talked to someone earlier about it but I’m having trouble finding any information about a guitar festival at all.)

Me: “May I please call you back in a few minutes? I’ll try to find out who was talking to your wife earlier and where she found the information.”

Client: “No, that’s not an option. You see, I can’t use this phone around my children because of the radiation. I’m standing outside of the car right now.”

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