The Fully-Insured Walking Dead

| Draper, UT, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Zombies

(My company sells music gear. We have a coverage plan that we are required to pitch to each customer on every item that qualifies. We are encouraged to get creative with our coverage pitches. I am talking to a woman about a keyboard.)

Me: “So, we offer this extended plan which covers any kind of accidental damage, wear and tear, and shipping costs. The only things we don’t cover are theft, intentional abuse, and acts of God. So, set on fire, struck by lightning, floods, tornadoes, zombie attacks—”

Customer: “What? You don’t cover zombies?!”

Me: “We will cover if the zombie accidentally knocks your keyboard over, or if it bleeds all over it. But if you intentionally hit the zombie with your keyboard, you’re on your own. And if that’s your zombie-killing weapon, may God be with you.”

Customer: “Do you watch The Walking Dead, by any chance?”

Me: “Yes, I do! Although, I am actually terrified of zombies. The main reason I watch the show is because I am a huge Norman Reedus fan.”

Customer:” Me, too! He’s my favorite character!”

(What follows is a ten minute conversation about the show itself, how awesome Daryl Dixon is, and the pros and cons of various zombie weapons. The customer makes my day. She bought coverage, too!)

Does Not Pass With Flying Colors

| Augusta, GA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(Working with a brand of wireless router and walking a customer through power cycling it, I am waiting to see if the status light comes on either green or red to determine its status.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, could you please tell me what color the status light is?”

Customer: “Orange.”

Me: “Orange?”

Customer: “Or blue. I can’t tell; I’m not computer literate!”

Not The Greatest Heights Of Intelligence

| Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(I’m working a helpline with a woman to take her information so she can sign up for help to quit smoking. She’s clearly not the brightest berry in the bunch, and I’ve had to explain nearly every question in super-easy terms.)

Me: “What is the highest level of education you’ve had?”

Caller: “Five foot nine.”

The ‘E’ Stands For Evil

| USA | Books & Reading, Technology

(I work for the USPS help line. It’s 6:30 am, and the Postmaster General has just announced that they are cutting delivery of regular mail to five days per week, and packages to six.)

Me: “This is [post office]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was listening to the radio station in Cleveland. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME USE EMAIL?!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “The radio in Cleveland says that this Saturday, all mail is getting thrown out and you aren’t going to deliver mail no more!”

Me: “Well, sir, that isn’t what—”

Customer: “They said it’s because all us old folk have to use EMAIL! I’m 75 years old and I can’t use email! It’s not fair!”

Me: “Sir, I assure you that mail WILL be delivered, so you don’t only have to use email.”

Customer: “GOOD! The people who died for their country on the Pony Express want you to know how disappointed they are that you use email!”

Me: “Thanks for the input, sir.”

He Is Out-Dated

| Scotland, UK | Love/Romance, Rude & Risque

(I work in a call centre for a bank, and one of the security questions we use to verify cardholder identity is a memorable date. Some people try to get clever with you. I generally give them no reaction at all and just ask a different security question.)

Me: “Can I ask you to confirm your memorable date there for me sir?”

Customer: “Ah yes, June 9th, 1979. I met this lovely blonde woman in a bar in Soho, absolutely beautiful. She drank cocktails and we went back to mine and the things she could do kiddo, you could only imag—oh wait memorable date? Oh s***, I thought you meant…”

Me: “Ha, that’s alright, sir; do you have it there?”

Customer: “What’s your memorable date? You sound nice; you must have one.”

Me: “My boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Paris for my birthday last year. That was pretty memorable I guess.”

Customer: “Jeez, your generation sucks. Paris!? You can’t beat a roll in the hay in the back of a third hand car in Charing Cross. I’d show you that!”

Me: “Okaaaaaaay anyway, moving on.”

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