I Dishwash My Hands Of All Responsibility

| UK | Right | March 31, 2017

(I have just bought a new dishwasher and have phoned the manufacturer’s call centre to register my purchase and find out about extended breakdown cover.)

Call Centre Handler: “So, if you want three years’ further warranty it will cost [price], which is just [small amount] per month.”

Me: “Okay, that sounds reasonable enough. I’ll go with that.”

Call Centre Handler: “It includes cover for accidental damage. I had one customer who could have done with that; he called in to have an engineer go out to repair his dishwasher, and it turned out that he had been out hill-walking and his boots were really dirty. He read something on the Internet that said you could wash shoes in a dishwasher, so he had put them in and run it. The laces got tangled up in the arms, stopped them running, and burnt out the motor. The inside was a total mess and covered in mud as well. It cost him [almost full price of a dishwasher] to get it fixed. The company uses that case as an example in customer service training now.”

Me: “Have you ever heard of a website called Not Always Right?”

Call Centre Handler: “Hold on till I get a pen and write that down…”

Name Drain

| CA, USA | Working | March 27, 2017

(I’m calling to cancel my department store credit card.)

Me: “I’d like to close my account, please.”

Agent: “Can I get your name, sir?”

Me: *gives name*

Agent: “Now, Mr. [My Name], to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

Me: *face-palm*

A Serial Problem

| GA, USA | Right | March 26, 2017

Customer: “I tried to register my serial number on the website last night but it wouldn’t take it.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. I can go ahead and get that registered for you. Can I have the serial number, please?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have it right now. Don’t you have it?”

Me: “…”

Captcha’d Too Late

| UT, USA | Working | March 18, 2017

(I work as a PCI compliance consultant-in-training. Essentially all I do is make phone calls to businesses; if anyone is interested in becoming PCI compliant, I have to transfer them to a more experienced coworker. Most of the calls I make typically end up being wrong or disconnected numbers, but in one case, this one happens when I make a call and reach a gatekeeper, or the person in charge of accepting phone calls for a business.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]. How are you doing today?”

Gatekeeper: “Are you a robot?”

Me: “What? No.”

Gatekeeper: “Are you sure? You sound like a robot.”

Me: “I assure you, I am not a robot.”

Gatekeeper: “How do I know you’re not one?”

(I pause for a moment to think.)

Me: “Okay, ask me something that only a human would know.”

Gatekeeper: “Okay, okay, you win.”

(The call continues, and it becomes obvious that they were just bored and joking, and they explain that their company tends to do that whenever someone they think is a telemarketer calls. I end up leaving a call back number, and we both hang up. A few minutes pass. My coworkers and I are sharing a laugh about it, when suddenly I remember something.)

Me: “Oh, no!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “I should have told them that I could read Captchas, instead!”

(We all agreed that, indeed, that would have been funnier.)

Running ‘Counter’ To The Spelling

| UK | Right | March 15, 2017

(I am helping a caller complete her passport forms over the phone.)

Caller: “I’m fine with most of it. It’s just at the end. It’s talking about a ‘courier sijenterary’.”

Me: “A courier sijenterary?”

Caller: “Yes, do you know what one of those is?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t. Would you mind spelling it?”

Caller: “I can try. I have dyslexia, so it’s difficult.”

Me: “That’s no problem. Take your time.”

Customer: “C O U N T E R S I G—”

Me: “Oh, I see. Sorry to interrupt. You’ve jumped ahead of me. It reads as ‘countersignatory’. It means someone else needs to confirm that your photo is a true likeness.”

Caller: “So, what do I need to do?”

Me: “You just need someone who knows you, but is not a family member, to sign the back of one of your photos confirming it looks like you. It’s to protect against stolen identity and reduce confusion when flying. If you give your chosen person the forms and the photo, I’m sure they’ll be able to figure it out. If not, just get them to call us.”

Caller: “Oh, thank you so much. This is such a hassle, and I panic sometimes.”

Me: “It’s no bother. You’re almost there, actually.”

Caller: “That’s good. Thank you so much for the help, and sorry about the… sijenterary.” *hangs up*

(She was probably one of the nicest callers I’ve had working here, dyslexia and all.)

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